realization, pt. 30929038409234.

dearest friends (and mainly myself):

tonite, i have been in this funky, weird place. and that's not the point at all. the point is, i was just lying in bed, surrounded by my three babies. and i had my little ipod working, and i was listening to neutral milk hotel, the song i posted on my blog earlier today. i looked at my daughter's pink dress and i was completely absorbed in how incredibly PINK her dress is, and then i noticed the contrast of the pink dress against our green blanket. and then i saw her little ear poking out from her hair. my heart was exploding with this feeling of urgency and NOW. and then i looked at my baby boy's face, his sweet dark eyelashes and his little nose and his mouth nursing lazily, sleepily. and i turned and looked at my big girl's sweet face, trying so hard to fight sleep. because she loves THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT so much. and i let go of all of my petty problems with today, and breathed. and i realized that THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT is all i have to cling to. and it is so urgent that i'm right here, right now. not preoccupied with happened earlier, with what minuscule thing didn't go my way. or what might happen tomorrow, or the next day. all i've got is the chance to choose to embrace this moment, and to respond to every instance with an open heart and love. always love. and i realize the kindest thing i could ever do is simply pay attention. stop my brain and my anxiety and my incessant self-absorbed monotonous thinking and notice. be a witness to what is here, now. and i have this realization frequently, but i've never experienced this realization so deeply as i have tonite. so if you'll excuse me, i've got a lovey to go apologize to, and dishes to neglect, and songs to sing along with. there is a lot of loving i've got to do, so i'm going to get to it. and i wish so much peace and love and grace and happiness to you, right here and right now.

1986-present; 2004-forever.

here i am, and 23 at that.
i'm going to make a few "resolutions" on my birthday this year, i'm posting them for accountability.

-23 will be the year of consistency. i will be consistent in parenting my children, i will be consistent in taking care of my home. i will be consistent in treating my husband with the kindness and respect he deserves, at all times. i will be consistent in maintaining my well being: physically, mentally, spiritually.
-23 will be the year of project 365. i will do this!
-23 will be the year of perfecting tortilla making. not too fluffy, not too thin, but perfect pillows of puffy dough, best slathered with butter and honey.



















this photo was taken 5 years ago, on the day the government recognizes as our wedding day. i was ecstatic at becoming mrs. crandall, and i still am. i remember the first piece of mail we got for "mrs. brady crandall", i about peed my pants with excitement. (i know, i know, so horribly unfeminist of me. the horrors!)

there are really no words to convey to anyone else on the planet just how much we're in love. how in love we were 5 years ago, and how much more now.

i frequently hear people talking about how difficult marriage is, how hard it is to stay with the same person forever, and i don't understand this. marriage isn't hard work for us, it's fun! brady is my best friend in the whole world, and i am his. i suppose i should count my many blessings, because i know not many folks have that kind of gift.

have a beautiful day, friends.