horizons.

today is going to be a gorgeous day, i just know it.

we've just finished up mama/baby yoga and we're munching on breakfast. my coffee is the perfect temperature and fully delicious. i'm breathing in this lovely air, full of love and giggles and i'm ready for a day of adventure, laundry, crocheting and diapers.

i am thankful for my sweet boy's admiration and his acrobatics while nursing. for the girls and their respective hilarious (and particular!) mannerisms. for my lovey, and even when we're picking at each other and having a rough morning of communication, there is still an undercurrent of devotion & good intentions. i'm grateful for the promises of good things to come & the anticipation of new goodies for our little clan.

i am ready for this sickness to be gone from our household & the fresh air of sunshine to permeate our home with healing.

i am wishing peace, kindness & thoughtfulness to everyone i love & that today would be an grand adventure for all of us.

i am wondering what good things are on your horizon?

change and worry and letting go.

i have a problem. my problem is that i make elaborate, detailed plans, and fully expect things to go as i plan them. and this rarely works out. and i'm learning that i cannot control things like the weather, and phones getting ruined, and lovey working like a madman.

this week is not going as we planned, not at all, and it's not fun. but i can either be angry and let it ruin things even more, or i can breathe and let it happen. because i'm certainly not changing anything.

so, i'm going with it. i'm letting things happen. and i'm not going to have canker sores and knotted muscles because of snow. or because i'm concerned that someone might be mad at me. or because we're all out of whack with our schedule and the kids are staying up to late and sleeping in too late. there is nothing i can do. i know the snow is out of my hands, i know i've done nothing remotely malicious to upset anyone and if they are upset, it's their own problem. i know that the girls are missing their daddy and trying to stay up to see him. so i'm letting it all go, and it's nice.

i miss my lovey. he is working from 3pm-3am everyday, which means he gets home around 3:45 and sleeps til he has to go to work. and the kids are missing him, violette climbed up on my lap the nite before last and said "i'm just lonely for my daddy". me too, baby.

but this chaos can't last forever. & i'm going to be overjoyed when things are settled back down.

i have hundreds of pictures to upload, but our computer freezes when i attempt to put them up, so it looks like i'll have to make a day of it in february, when we get our new one. i'm still doing project: 365, there's just no evidence :)

i'm off to go play with my new mixer & cookie sheets, i think we could all use a sweet treat!

merry christmas thursday things!

merry christmas eve, folks! today we're having a lovely day cuddled up watching christmas movies and talking about what time santa will probably get here. we've decided to put a sign on the front door to make sure that he knows it's okay to come in. for my thursday things today, i'm going to list what i've yet to do, and hopefully will accomplish before tomorrow morning.

-bake santa's cookies and zucchini bread for our family party tonite

-wrap presents and stuff stockings

-give all the kids a bath and get them dressed in their finery

-charge the camera battery

-try not to miss my lovey too much while he's working today, hopefully he'll be home before 10.

-a few other tasks i cannot post for fear the recipient of the gifts would read my blog today... hi mom!

i'll probably think of many more things along the way, but that's a good start.

i hope everyone has a very merry and bright christmas, full of love and peace and contentment. hug your babies, sip your cider, kiss your honey and have a beautiful holiday, i'll be doing the same.

i probably won't be posting until the new year, i'm working on a big blog post: my year in review.

love to you all.

i've been thinking...

i'm sure most of you could have gleaned by now that i've been on quite a zen, be here now kind of kick for awhile.

and that's good. it's so good. watching, engaging, being here. it's good.

it's good up until i realized that i've become so wrapped up in being here now, i've stopped being here. i've stopped watching and engaging because i'm so incredibly focused on enjoying the present that i'm missing out on the present. i want to remember every little word and gesture, and i have totally missed the boat.

brady reminded me the other nite that we have so many more christmases to christmas, and it's a marathon, a journey. this isn't IT. it doesn't have to be just perfectly perfect right now. and you know what got through to me the most? when he said "we'll probably have 5 or 6 more couches in our lifetime".

how right is that?

and this morning, my friend sara sent out an email. her baby is 25 years old today. and i just smiled, and sighed, and it totally hit home.

one day, my babies are going to be 25. and christmas will still be here, birthdays will still be here.

and i can relax, right now.

thursday things.

i don't have many links or much excitement to post today. instead, i'm going to list ten things i'm grateful for this morning.

1) birdsongs and fresh morning air
2) falling leaves, and watching them dance to the ground
3) reading lovey e-mails from 2002
4) perusing etsy for christmas presents and trinkets
5) lovey calling right as i pick up the phone to call him
6) allowing myself to participate in nanowrimo, and thoroughly enjoying it
7) my children, for keeping me on my toes.
8) motivation, not procrastination.
9) the calloused yet tender hands that mine fit perfectly into. the first time we held hands, we were at my little brother's football game. it was quite cold, and everyone had blankets and hats and scarves and was acting like it was a blizzard. we were sitting by each other, and kept doing the pinky thing, feeling out whether the other wanted to hold hands. after about ten minutes of piddling around, i took a deep breath and over-exaggeratedly grabbed brady's hand. we both kind of laughed, and then were relieved to find that they fit together perfectly. and after seven years, they still fit perfectly. i'm so grateful for that. i'm more than certain we will never outgrow each other.
10) so many projects! so much creativity! i've really hit a burst of energy, and i'm flowing with it. knitting hats, knitting a sweater, taking pictures, working on the novel, nursing my baby, running my home, cooking breakfast, lunch & dinner, dealing with tantrums and fits from preschoolers, entertaining and playing with the kids: it's all art. and i'm feeling in stride and graceful about all of it. dare i say that i feel i've hit a stride i haven't felt in quite some time.

one extra: 11) you! i'm grateful for the folks that read my blog, and take the time to email or comment and let me know they appreciate what i write. i'm glad to have something that's resonated with people, and it's lovely to feel interconnected on this crazy information superhighway.

thursday things and some.

it's been the rainiest fall this year, and rainy days mean, for us, daddy is home. it seems like daddy has been home for the last 2 weeks, which has been 3 parts spectacular adventure and 1 part wreckage of our routine. things like housekeeping and big projects don't sound nearly as much fun as tucking away for an afternoon nap, watching foggy drizzle slide down the window. or a cabin fever inspired jaunt around the block just before supper. or knitting, reading, and talking mornings into afternoons into evenings. however, today, daddy is back at work, and i'm staring at this mess... but it's not horrifying me as it once would have. instead, i'm content with the playing that occurred. and grateful for the opportunity to thank the universe for each member of my family as i put away emma's books and crayons and papers, violette's teddy bears and dolls, theodore's blankets and toys, lovey's books, chewed up bottle caps, and socks.

my thursday things will be a bit different today, i want to remember this feeling of gratitude i'm basking in right now. so here are my thankfuls for today:

-the green-ness of green
-baby's hands & affection
-my sweater, growing row by row
-lovey's browns, lovey's reading face, oh! all of lovey
-violette's independence, rivaling rudolph's
-emma's all-knowing vocabulary (she told my mom the other evening, when mama was having a hard time with the carseats: "well, maybe you made the wrong selection")
-good folk songs
-big laughs
-project inspiration
-our home
-drizzle and the word "drizzle"
-"basin"
-the gift of language
-the overwhelming scent of clove.
-pumpkin cobbler
-reading in bed
-tea, especially chamomile
-paper maiche messes
-hopes of a handmade christmas
-approaching holidays and time with family and friends
-this feeling of being surrounded by love and goodness

poo-poo the naysayers, life is good and beautiful. it all depends on where you're looking. i'm making this promise, right now. i will stop entertaining the ideas there are devils lurking around every corner, hidden mean-ness in uttered words. there is enough darkness out there without my creating new drama. and when i'm full of gratitude and light, there is simply no room for the darkness. (and we all know dark is just an absence of light, an illusion.)

lovey day!

7 years ago today i went to a show. and at this show, there was a certain boy i'd had my eye on. and he said "hi lauren", apparently several times. and since he has always spoken very quietly, i didn't hear him. thankfully, a friend said "hey lauren! i think brady is trying to tell you something"... and i perked up considerably and thought "BRADY?! WHERE?!" and i looked up and saw him. and there was this thing, this electric, magnetic, knowing thing. and from that point onward, we were lovies.

we sat on the steps of a beautiful church and talked about big things, little things, everything. we knew that we were inseparable, the new robert and elizabeth barret browning.

and in the last 7 years, we've changed, grown up, gotten married, had babies, and watched our family blossom. but what hasn't changed is the fact that we are always have been and always will be lovies.

i'm now in love with a man, a strong, loving, kind and gracious man. a blue collar working class hero, at the same time a bohemian writer beat poet hippie.

and i know that we were created with the other in mind, and that we are 2 pieces that fit together in the giant puzzle of the universe.

and i know that we will live out our days in peace and joy, and we will always be together.

and i know that when it's time, i will follow him into the dark.

every new day.

we had a fantastic weekend of card games, getting our house put back together, football games, and cuddles, with a few tantrums thrown in. (emma is in quite a phase!) this is the first morning since theodore's joined us that i've gotten up without a gigantic to-do list looming over my head, and it's nice!

speaking of theodore, we looked at our photos on flickr as a slideshow last nite, and i have already forgotten how teeny he was. we were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over how big the girls have gotten, and then a shot of theodore came up and he already looks so different. but! instead of feeling sad and mopey about how quickly it's going by, i'm going to be a witness to his life story, and not miss out on where we are now.

last nite, emma had dinner, and then an apple, and then something else, and then was whining for another snack. so i said she could have 3 blueberries, to which she replied "i got 6!!!!!!"
i opened my mouth to tell her to put them away RIGHT NOW, and in that moment, i decided to just let it go. the only thing that would come of me getting on to her would be crying and frustration and, really, what does it matter? so i told her it was fine, and it wasn't going to upset me. (i suspect a lot of her outbursts lately have been baiting me for attention.) she went and sat at the table, and brady came and sat by her, and they started counting, and then brady ended up teaching her about addition and subtraction(unschooling at it's finest!) and it was so sweet and tender. but what would they have missed out on had i fussed and made her put the blueberries back? how many beautiful occurrences have i missed, worrying about forcing my will on her.

oh! forgive me, for missing the tapestry and focusing on the thread.

(also, i am married to the most thoughtful, caring, and helpful mister in the world.)

inspiration.

last nite i went through my great grandma's high school memory book. she saved so many wonderful pictures, notes and little things she found interesting. she kept flowers, a tiny harmonica, pictures her friends drew, cigarettes, and so many letters. it's amazing to me that i have all of these things, preserved since the late 20's.

after sorting through the things i wanted to keep out for my inspiration wire, i remembered that my uncle scanned letters she had written to my aunt dixie in the 60's. she wrote her nearly every day, noting the weather and what she did that day. there are stories of my mom and her siblings in almost each one, which i found so fascinating. reading about my mom being a one year old, "up chucking" and having problems with her tonsils. it's quite a trip.

it completely reinforced my belief in saving little things, and hope that one day my great grandkids can go through my box of goodies.

i also went through the box of mine and brady's poems and notes and things. what i found notable was a receipt from braum's from last september, where brady had gone to get the things i was craving while barely pregnant with theodore. (ice cream, ice cream cones and a granola bar.) there was also the envelope my mama used to give us a gift for our christmas date last year, she drew adorable little pictures of us and the car we used, which was the same car we'd gone on our first christmas date in.

i cherish each of these little reminders and memories of milestones and hope and love. and can't wait until the next time i go through these boxes again and rediscover all of my treasures.

i had plans...

to write a long and lovely post about the end of summer and standing between the seasons and just how beautiful it all is. however, tonite is not the nite for that. maybe tomorrow.

tonite, i have a sink full of dirty dishes, a to-do list with absolutely nothing checked off, a husband and baby asleep and two little girls so full of piss & vinegar they don't know what to do with themselves.

tonite, i'm feeling crabby, flabby, out of sync, and tired.

tonite, i had planned to sew, create, journal, and cook a fantastic meal of chicken & dumplings with rolls and veggies - we had pancakes.

tonite, i'm resolved to wake up early in the morning, & take care of myself first. because it's not a pleasant feeling when it's 5 pm, and lovey's on his way home from work, and i realize i'm still wearing my pajamas.

tonite, i'm debating whether i should drink the last of the coffee and clean like a madwoman or go ahead and call it a nite.

tonite, i realize that this is the time when i need to be here now, and breathe in and out and let the fullness of the frustration flow through and out of me.

and emma just came running out the kitchen screeching "mommy, i learned a new trick". and i'm off to put into practice breathing and being, as i'm 95% certain i will not be impressed with this "new trick".

what is it?

it's the feeling of laying in bed, surrounded by my sweet little family; it's the first cup of coffee in the a.m.; it's cardigans; it's the edge of autumnal crisp in late august evenings and early august mornings.; it's rain; it's little weedy flowers strewn all over the house; it's pictures colored by preschoolers hung up every where imaginable; it's new bags sewn; it's planning projects; it's spending time with the family i was born into; it's real & composed music; it's the first hug&kiss attack when daddy is home from work; it's suppertime, listing our thankfuls and talking about our days; it's emma saying "clume" for climbed; it's the way violette wants to be tucked in with "flower" every nite; it's theodore's precious, chunky, slobbery smile; it's my husband's devotion and love for me; it's every tree, rock, flower, & blade of grass; it's the sky, the sun, the stars, the moon; it's the ocean, it's the desert; it's you, it's me. it's the divine.

thursday things.

-teen decomposes plastic bag in 3 months.
-cantaloupe salsa - must try!!
-fun little book recommendation site.
-gives me hope!
-rain days with lovey are the aces. and we get another one today!! this one is preschooler free, and we're cleaning and doing laundry.
-alice in wonderland trailer - so stoked!!

novel.

(click on austin to read the best novel ever!)

-brady's post about 'fork you bobby frost'.

my husband wrote a book...my husband wrote a book, a novel, a work of fiction. a book. have you written a book? i haven't written a book. i know very few people who have started, and finished, writing a book.

in november 2007, he decided to participate in nanowrimo. he wrote, he drank energy drinks, he worked all day and came home and wrote. he wrote, he ate candy bars, and he wrote. he wrote, he laughed and cried and wondered where the heck are these crazy characters taking us? and he wrote. and i read the pages one by one as they came off the typewriter, falling in love with this book, these characters, and brady all over again. on the sunday after thanksgiving, he finished. and it was celebratory and fabulous. (and we realized just how much work it was going to be to enter an entire novel onto the computer. it wasn't what one would call a fun task, but i'd do it again!)

after almost 2 years, i think that perhaps 3 or 4 people have read this novel. it has been listed on lulu, he has sent it to a few places, no one seems all that interested. and i realize that i'm biased, and i realize brady might not be the perfect marriage of rilke and bukowski, but he's darn close. and everyone, every single person, needs to read this book. not because brady penned it, not because i want everyone to recognize what a fabulous writer he is, but because we all need to stop and listen to the point of this book. it's about being kind, it's about loving each other. it's not just a riot and a hoot, it's important. and if you can't get over all the F-bombs and all the exclamation points, then perhaps you need to read it more than anyone else.

flashbacks.

while perusing my old notes on facebook, i found this little gem. only from february, it feels like it's been so much longer.

today is a beautiful day.
i woke up nestled between two beautiful ladies, who seem to migrate to my bed at some point in the middle of the nite. (violette has been waking up between 2 or 3 saying "oh, i'm really really really hungry" and then crawling up the stairs to our bed, where she crashes immediately.) my kitty was cuddled up at the foot of our bed, watching over us all, and my husband was playing footsie games with me under all the covers, pausing only to reach over to hit snooze on the alarm.

emma woke up, and we laid there talking about what we were going to do today, while brady started his day by turning on his "woody guthrie playlist" and telling his mom happy birthday on facebook. emma and i moseyed down the stairs in our jammies and fixed bowls of cereal and giggled at things like squirrels in the backyard and zeke barking at birds.

we watched an episode of "olivia" on nickjr.com, and i helped brady make his lunch and got him out the door, only after a rousing rendition of "the eagle and the hawk" by john denver, brady rushed out the door and emma and i were left talking at the breakfast table. she felt inspired to make a painting this morning, so i lugged out our suitcase of paints and brushes and all the goodies, (all the while, em is saying things like "mama, are you sure you're strong enough to carry that?") and got her set up. she was very excited that i had a leftover canvas and she got to use that instead of paper. after many mixed paints and good messes, we got all cleaned up and were a bit bummed out violette was still sleeping. she is so fun!

so we got dressed, mommy in a pair of brown maternity cargo pants from old navy and a harry potter t-shirt from the thrift store with black and white stripey socks and my worn, torn simple shoes, and emma in her "kitty" tshirt and "christmas pants" and absolutely never ever anything on her feet, we are now cuddling and counting coins from her coin purse while i type this.

and just now, she said "mama, i just love you".

my life is juicy, and sweet and tender. and i don't want to forget a single minute of it.

last nite.

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
-rumi

(i love my lovey and the fun we have together.)

busy times.

big weekend! saturday we had vi's party, and it was quite a success. though you can't really go wrong with hotdogs, root beer (thanks to the castoes), d.j. lance rock cake, and far too many presents. violette was very happy, thanks to all our awesome friends and family who do what they do. we appreciate it all so very much.

sunday, brady's dad popped over from amarillo and we had a quiet day while he slept and then we went shopping and got pizza, fun times.

tonite is church here and then afterwards... the midnite release of harry potter!!!!!! i can't wait, really. this morning we're headed over to my grandma's to play, and then tomorrow is my 6 week appointment with the midwives. bittersweet, because i know it's my last midwife appt., ever. i'm sure i'll cry :)

saturday was also theodore's 6 week mark, he is the biggest of my babies, by far, which is interested because he was the teeniest at birth. he is just so so chubby and roly poly! though he insists on shedding all newborn trademarks way too early, it's okay. i was concerned about it, and really wanting to enjoy his baby phase, but i had this realization the other day. when we get stuck in a particular stage, be it newborn, baby, toddler... whatever, and we're really sad when they grow out of it, it's awfully unfair to the little one. because we're so concerned about them not being what we want them to be, and also we're missing out on the stuff they're doing NOW. the past is PAST, right? i mean, how often do we get stuck there, meandering through the day, thinking about the good times we had or the bad, or just whatever. but we're totally missing out on RIGHT NOW.

time for my favorite cheese quote:

"the past is history, the future's a mystery, the present is a gift, that's why it is called the present."

today i'm going to be here now.

oh, & i love my husband. & he loves me. squeee!

just some things i like at the moment.

-mint tea
-i find the grunting during women's tennis incredibly distracting/disturbing. apparently i'm not alone.
-lovey's latest post

-theodore is a month old today!

all you need is love. (& a little bollywood?)

we're having some difficulties with clashing personalities over here. as in, emma and i basically have the same personality. and we clash. thanks to an unexpected visit from grammy, we made amends and she is now napping.

note to self: next time remember to breathe in, and breathe out... she is 4... is she hungry? sleepy? angry? lonely? feeling jealous?

and then i feel so.very.guilty for letting her get to me, and then making snappy comments to her. i am an adult, she is a child. who is expected to keep calm?

how do i remember to stay centered and loving? and when i do slip up, how can i be kind to myself and let it go after it's dealt with?

now i know why ariel gore refers to this as "the mother trip".



_______________________________________________________________

the whole 3's thing is pretty weird... ed mcmahon, farrah, and mj.



but come on, folks die every day. i get it, these folks are special. famous. celebrities. but i'm more concerned with all the people who won't make it til dinner time because they don't have food or clean water. let's do something about that. (and did we all forget that MJ went totally kooks? and ya know, that whole little boy thing?) maybe there is a death cab sentiment for everything: "a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death".
_______________________________________________________________

i love my husband. seriously. i've been thinking a lot about this encouragement thing. and while i've always recognized how hard he works and how much he loves me, i'm just really digging it right now. wanna see something cute? sure you do.

3.

1. thankful for emma, and her passion for flowers and all things glitter.
2. thankful for violette, and her love of running and playing and having fun.
3. thankful for theodore, and his desire to spend most of his time resting.

and especially thankful for lovey, who accommodates us all.

1986-present; 2004-forever.

here i am, and 23 at that.
i'm going to make a few "resolutions" on my birthday this year, i'm posting them for accountability.

-23 will be the year of consistency. i will be consistent in parenting my children, i will be consistent in taking care of my home. i will be consistent in treating my husband with the kindness and respect he deserves, at all times. i will be consistent in maintaining my well being: physically, mentally, spiritually.
-23 will be the year of project 365. i will do this!
-23 will be the year of perfecting tortilla making. not too fluffy, not too thin, but perfect pillows of puffy dough, best slathered with butter and honey.



















this photo was taken 5 years ago, on the day the government recognizes as our wedding day. i was ecstatic at becoming mrs. crandall, and i still am. i remember the first piece of mail we got for "mrs. brady crandall", i about peed my pants with excitement. (i know, i know, so horribly unfeminist of me. the horrors!)

there are really no words to convey to anyone else on the planet just how much we're in love. how in love we were 5 years ago, and how much more now.

i frequently hear people talking about how difficult marriage is, how hard it is to stay with the same person forever, and i don't understand this. marriage isn't hard work for us, it's fun! brady is my best friend in the whole world, and i am his. i suppose i should count my many blessings, because i know not many folks have that kind of gift.

have a beautiful day, friends.