Saturday, October 24, 2009

my prayer for today, and every day.

this clipping fell out of a bible that we have, it first belonged to my great-great grandfather.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

thursday things!

-halloween food ideas
-audio stories for kids
-patchwork mat tutorial
-wikipedia list of unusual deaths, i found this especially creepy.
-pyrex, i love you.
-little owl pattern
-rumi poem that i love


theodore will be five months old on the 30th. i keep saying he's four months, but i know it's inching towards five and it's making feel so... nostalgic. how can i miss a phase we were in just days ago? but i do.i miss his scrawny little legs, and his funny "craugh" face: is he crying or laughing? (definitely more "cry" in this shot!)

how did he go from that to this in just... days? (yes, that is a gourd. emma that is was an appropriate prop.)

tonite emma wanted me to rock her to sleep. and of course i jumped at the chance. she doesn't want to cuddle as much any more, being as independent and precocious as she is. she will be five on her next birthday. FIVE. that is monumental. she'll be a full fledged kid, with no hint of baby left. there really are no hints of baby or toddler anymore, but i can't even lie to myself when she hits that milestone.

and violette, my sweet and shy little fairy. my friend vanessa captured violette's personality so well the other day: she is almost always near me and she takes quite a while to warm up. yet, i see these glimpses of her courage gathering, and her daring to venture. irony is triumphant, though. when we're home, she is most likely to be playing in her room, with her dollhouse or legos, entertaining herself for hours. only needing me to "make a sandwich, mama, it's peanut butter-chili* time" and "help! wipe my butt, cos i pooped a big one." *the other day, i was making chili, and she was so concerned as to why i was chopping onions and getting out cans of beans. i told her i was cooking chili, and she went to the fridge and got out the grape jelly and said "mama! chili's right here!"

one of their favorite things to do right now is look at slideshows of my pictures on flickr, the other day a picture of vi came up, from before her surgery. she got very skittish and said she was scared. i asked her if she wanted to me go to the next photo, or if she wanted to talk about it, but she leaned in closer, studying her lip and asked how it got cut. i explained she was born with a cleft lip and she told me that was silly, and she just "cut it while she was playing" and mama milk fixed it. it made my heart explode, but then i was gripped with this anxiety. how will this affect her? i want her to know without a doubt that she is a beautiful, whole person, and that a scar doesn't matter. but will it?oh, i worry.

and i worry about many other things, will theodore feel left out? emma and violette are so close in age, and he trails by nearly 3 years. and emma is so bossy sometimes! i know her intentions, but she can be perceived so harshly by other kids (and parents!) sometimes. she is so much like me, yet so different. she has a confidence i never had to back up the sassiness. i wonder if we've done the right thing, is it fair to them to homeschool? to live this artsy, bohemian lifestyle we've got, where creativity trumps schedules & inspiration matters far more than routine? what about religion & spirituality? they know about jesus, and that mama & daddy believe in god, but they always know we read books on sufis and buddha. i have a hard time telling them that one particular thing is true.

the most important thing, though, is that i'm completely honest in my intentions, words and actions. and who can see my inconsistencies more than my children, who i am around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i am not perfect, and i don't attempt to be. so i can't figure out why am i so incredibly hung up on these unattainable standards? who has set this ideal that mother's are supposed to have a spotless designer home, with little angels sitting at the kitchen table in shiny catalog clothing, happily doing some craft project, while home made cookies are baking in the oven and mommy doesn't have a speck of flour on her apron (or the kitchen floor!)

oh, i don't know. i do know that it's 2 am and mr. teddy will be needing to nurse pretty soon, therefore i'm off to bed.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

rainy nites.

a perfect nite for:
coffee, cuddles, granny square afghans, wuthering heights, knitting, the comforting clacking of the typewriter, sleeping babies and peeking out the window watching the raindrops racing each other to the sill.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

the saturday shirt.

it is one of my goals in life to have the perfect outfit for every day of the week. last friday, lovey and i went on a thrifting adventure, and i found the perfect saturday shirt. it was obviously designed for weekend projects, puttering around and tasks around the house. obviously! even better, as i was walking to the store the other day, while wearing this shirt, a man was driving by and slowed down to yell out that his aunt had a shirt just like it. i got a little bit too excited that it could possibly be the same shirt his aunt had actually worn! oh, the world is so big and so small.

thursday things and some.

it's been the rainiest fall this year, and rainy days mean, for us, daddy is home. it seems like daddy has been home for the last 2 weeks, which has been 3 parts spectacular adventure and 1 part wreckage of our routine. things like housekeeping and big projects don't sound nearly as much fun as tucking away for an afternoon nap, watching foggy drizzle slide down the window. or a cabin fever inspired jaunt around the block just before supper. or knitting, reading, and talking mornings into afternoons into evenings. however, today, daddy is back at work, and i'm staring at this mess... but it's not horrifying me as it once would have. instead, i'm content with the playing that occurred. and grateful for the opportunity to thank the universe for each member of my family as i put away emma's books and crayons and papers, violette's teddy bears and dolls, theodore's blankets and toys, lovey's books, chewed up bottle caps, and socks.

my thursday things will be a bit different today, i want to remember this feeling of gratitude i'm basking in right now. so here are my thankfuls for today:

-the green-ness of green
-baby's hands & affection
-my sweater, growing row by row
-lovey's browns, lovey's reading face, oh! all of lovey
-violette's independence, rivaling rudolph's
-emma's all-knowing vocabulary (she told my mom the other evening, when mama was having a hard time with the carseats: "well, maybe you made the wrong selection")
-good folk songs
-big laughs
-project inspiration
-our home
-drizzle and the word "drizzle"
-the gift of language
-the overwhelming scent of clove.
-pumpkin cobbler
-reading in bed
-tea, especially chamomile
-paper maiche messes
-hopes of a handmade christmas
-approaching holidays and time with family and friends
-this feeling of being surrounded by love and goodness

poo-poo the naysayers, life is good and beautiful. it all depends on where you're looking. i'm making this promise, right now. i will stop entertaining the ideas there are devils lurking around every corner, hidden mean-ness in uttered words. there is enough darkness out there without my creating new drama. and when i'm full of gratitude and light, there is simply no room for the darkness. (and we all know dark is just an absence of light, an illusion.)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

lovey day!

Align Center

7 years ago today i went to a show. and at this show, there was a certain boy i'd had my eye on. and he said "hi lauren", apparently several times. and since he has always spoken very quietly, i didn't hear him. thankfully, a friend said "hey lauren! i think brady is trying to tell you something"... and i perked up considerably and thought "BRADY?! WHERE?!" and i looked up and saw him. and there was this thing, this electric, magnetic, knowing
thing. and from that point onward, we were lovies.

we sat on the steps of a beautiful church and talked about big things, little things, everything. we knew that we were inseparable, the new robert and elizabeth barret browning.

and in the last 7 years, we've changed, grown up, gotten married, had babies, and watched our family blossom. but what hasn't changed is the fact that we are always have been and always will be lovies.

i'm now in love with a man, a strong, loving, kind and gracious man. a blue collar working class hero, at the same time a bohemian writer beat poet hippie.

and i know that we were created with the other in mind, and that we are 2 pieces that fit together in the giant puzzle of the universe.

and i know that we will live out our days in peace and joy, and we will always be together.

and i know that when it's time, i will follow him into the dark.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

thursday things.

-pronoia resources
-punny card!
-the gashlycrumb tinies
-quotes on being vegetarian
-this just might work!
-me, on ravelry
-dreads inspiration, plus! he's a saddhu from nepal!*
-new favorite band

(thursdays make for the best rain days.)

*going for the neglect method, again. twist & rip all the way. i'm a few months in, so hopefully they'll look good in about a year.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

sick day.

i'm not feeling all too well today, there's an icky bug floating around in my family. thankfully the babies have been untouched by it. so i'm camped out in front of the computer, bored, & wishing i could find the energy to wash up the dishes, take out the garbage & hang the sheets on the line. & that i could find the perfect hat pattern for the girls winter hats. & that i could get warm. & that i didn't waste so much time making silly wishes.

belief & convictions.

(i wrote this last fall, here is the updated version.)

my core beliefs and convictions, at the moment:

-knowing myself, and being honest with myself at every turn. also, not looking to others to fulfill me or complete my life. my family and friends are beautiful enhancements, not mine to clutch & cling to.

-loving my husband and children to the fullest capacity. my first earthly priority is to them and their well-being.

-living my life as a spiritual seeker. i will not get bogged down by theories and theologies. i will love and live as according to christ's words in the new testament, and also all of the other prophets and saints i've encountered along the way, ranging from my children to buddha.

-living a creative and art-filled life, and attempting to bring beauty and love to every space i am in.

-parenting gently and kindly. i respect my children as people, as individuals. they are not property - they do not "belong" to me. i refuse to hit them in any manner, i will not belittle them or talk down to them. i believe that their behavior is less important than they're entire being, and when they act out, i will find the root cause. i am committed to their health and well being, i will do whatever i feel is best for them, even if it causes me temporary discomfort or opposition. (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not vaccinating, homeschooling...)

-living my life as an individual, i believe that we are all made different and have a unique spark of the divine within us. we are of no use when we are all trying to look, act and live life the same way.

-not supporting the beast of mammon. money should mean very little, if anything. some folks are so concerned about currency it's a disease, an epidemic. basic human needs are air, food, water, shelter, warmth (clothing) and love. i do not need to keep up with the joneses to feel like a human. i can live without new clothes and cable television (or television altogether!)

-refusing to consume the garbage spewed by major media and the entertainment industry. i don't need my creativity, peace, truth, and beauty attacked on a regular basis!

-creating peace. i do not support any violence or war. i believe in turning the other cheek and loving one's enemies as christ did. (interesting thing here, if christians are so militantly anti-terrorist, should we not then cut paul's books out of the new testament, as he was a converted terrorist.)

-being 100% honest at all times. lying is the most unpardonable thing to me. i have zero tolerance, sympathy, or time for untruth.

-living simply & mindfully, "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"

-being grateful at all times. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, always.

Monday, October 5, 2009

knitting season has arrived.

project 365: 119.
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

Thursday, October 1, 2009

thursday things.

-encyclopedia of mythology
-the arrow of time, family photos from 1976-present
-2nd favorite poem
-love, love, love these sculptures.
-the new avett brothers album came out tuesday, i love it. my favorite song: and it spread.

effie and jonnie, december 2002.

today is my brother jonnie's 22 birthday, i'm wishing and hoping this coming year is full of big adventures and excitement for him.