updates!

the children are occupied for the moment, so i've stolen a bit to update the world on the goings on in the crandall clan.

emma asked last friday if we could do school, so i dug out the preschool and kindegarten books i've collected and started in. she loved every minute of it & begged me for homework, she is most definitely my child. violette, while not ready for school, wanted to be a part as well. she colored & drew a beautiful picture of me, which will be featured in a photo scavenger hunt i'm taking part of.

last nite at bedtime, i was coaxing emma to bed and she told me that she didn't want me to offer that to her again. sassafrass galore, nonetheless, very clever.

our sweet dog passed away, and it has opened up the backyard for all sorts of adventures. the girls have thoroughly enjoyed discovering the best hiding spots and having races.

theodore's top two teeth popped through, i fear i have a bunny rabbit for a baby. they are HUGE and adorable. he also says "dada" now. his crawling has reached new heights and you can bet that if he is on the floor, he is headed for either one of his sister's hair to tug on, that or the cat's food.

i am doing very well, the year of adventure has been paused for the moment as we currently don't have a working vehicle... w2s, where are you? i am very excited to get our taxes filed and hoping we get back what we plan on ;) we are hoping to get a new (to us) minivan, a computer and a camera for me. i cannot wait to get a new computer and post all of the pictures i've taken. flickr, i miss you! i've tried over and over to post them on this machine, but linux and flickr are mortal enemies, i fear. it freezes if i am on the site for more than 3 minutes, that could be said of most sites though.

it's now to make lunch and hopefully have a successful quiet time!

(i'm getting very, very excited about valentines day!!)

the song for today:

horizons.

today is going to be a gorgeous day, i just know it.

we've just finished up mama/baby yoga and we're munching on breakfast. my coffee is the perfect temperature and fully delicious. i'm breathing in this lovely air, full of love and giggles and i'm ready for a day of adventure, laundry, crocheting and diapers.

i am thankful for my sweet boy's admiration and his acrobatics while nursing. for the girls and their respective hilarious (and particular!) mannerisms. for my lovey, and even when we're picking at each other and having a rough morning of communication, there is still an undercurrent of devotion & good intentions. i'm grateful for the promises of good things to come & the anticipation of new goodies for our little clan.

i am ready for this sickness to be gone from our household & the fresh air of sunshine to permeate our home with healing.

i am wishing peace, kindness & thoughtfulness to everyone i love & that today would be an grand adventure for all of us.

i am wondering what good things are on your horizon?

year in review.

at the beginning of 2009, i declared i would make 2009 the year of home. we moved back into our house in february and i wanted to make my home cozy and beautiful, i feel i've succeeded. my goals for 2010 include starting an etsy shop, carving out time for myself by spending time alone and with friends, i also want to cultivate friendships and become less reclusive and more adventurous. following is my year in review. i hope everyone has a beautiful new years, and that 2010 is full of love and adventure for all of us!

january

brady started working at the city january 2nd, and we were full of hope and anticipation. i don't have a picture from january, oddly enough. i remember making lists and preparing to move, and trying not hurt anyone's feelings by being too excited about moving home.

februarythe first nite back in our house was february 1st. we had sold most of our things in the garage sale we had before we moved, so we were nearly starting over. margot joined our family on february 7th, we saw her & i fell in love instantly. brady said no way, no day & i was pretty bummed. that is, until he "went shopping" & came home with my pretty kitty.

march

march was a fun time of waiting for the outside to warm up, taking walks, & becoming reacquainted with our home. there had been updates & little changes throughout, so i had fun making these discoveries. in march, brady got an email from a lawn company he'd sent a resume to several months prior, and they were wanting to schedule an interview. we spent the evening discussing this, and the very next day the city drastically reduced his working hours. he went to the interview and started working there several weeks later.


april

in april, brady's family came up for the weekend and redecorated the girls bedroom. it was fun and so kind of them to do. it turned out so darling and we still love it. the girls decided it would be a good idea to cut their hair, so i had to fix that just before easter. they had adorable little summer cuts, which they loved. emma turned 4, we had a little party. she was not a big fan of aging another year and we had a hard time for a few weeks after her birthday.

may
may. the longest month of this year, for me. all that matters is theodore is here, and he is perfect.

june
june was a time of acclimation and figuring out how on earth we were going to do this. brady turned 26 and i turned 23. we celebrated in the usual manner, with homemade pizza and funfetti cake... though i got reprimanded quite severely for kneading pizza dough 5 days postpartum! the picture i chose for june was our first walk as the completed crandall clan, the first of many escapades and days spent outside. we had lots of visitors and helpers during this time, which was nice. i started project 365 on my birthday, and that's still going strong!

july
july was a fairly quiet month, violette anne turned 3 and loved it. we had a dj lance rock cake and a fun party. we spent most of july outside, having picnics and taking pictures. i don't recall anything all too exciting in july, but i may have been preoccupied with my brand new baby!

august
august was a good time of finally feeling wholly settled from having the baby. we had lots of parties and fun events in august. this picture is from our niece's big birthday bash... brady's brother and his wife know how to throw a party! this was the third year brady's cousin has taken our family photo at this park, and i love having the tradition.

september
september was a long goodbye to summer, we transitioned to playing inside more and my crafting was highly active. we anticipated shorter and colder days ahead, and spent every chance outside and in the water that we could. i think september may have been the quietest month in 2009 for us.

octoberoctober! my favorite month of the year. we celebrated 7 years of lovies on 'tober 13th and the universe even recognized how vastly important it was that brady have the day off by sending rain so he wouldn't have to work. we had a wonderful halloween, with a bumblebee and butterfly and a baby bear.


november
november was a fun month of appreciating fall with baking and knitting and watching the leaves. we took a trip to amarillo and had a lovely early thanksgiving dinner with brady's family. our thanksgiving week was full of dinners with friends and family and quite nice.

decemberdecember has been a fun month of counting down the days til christmas with little activities each day. we had a party at our house with brady's family, which was definitely a highlight of our christmas season. i'm not sorry to see december go, since it brought this crazy blizzard and displaced our plans. in spite of it all, we had a beautiful christmas and the time spent together was lovely.

change and worry and letting go.

i have a problem. my problem is that i make elaborate, detailed plans, and fully expect things to go as i plan them. and this rarely works out. and i'm learning that i cannot control things like the weather, and phones getting ruined, and lovey working like a madman.

this week is not going as we planned, not at all, and it's not fun. but i can either be angry and let it ruin things even more, or i can breathe and let it happen. because i'm certainly not changing anything.

so, i'm going with it. i'm letting things happen. and i'm not going to have canker sores and knotted muscles because of snow. or because i'm concerned that someone might be mad at me. or because we're all out of whack with our schedule and the kids are staying up to late and sleeping in too late. there is nothing i can do. i know the snow is out of my hands, i know i've done nothing remotely malicious to upset anyone and if they are upset, it's their own problem. i know that the girls are missing their daddy and trying to stay up to see him. so i'm letting it all go, and it's nice.

i miss my lovey. he is working from 3pm-3am everyday, which means he gets home around 3:45 and sleeps til he has to go to work. and the kids are missing him, violette climbed up on my lap the nite before last and said "i'm just lonely for my daddy". me too, baby.

but this chaos can't last forever. & i'm going to be overjoyed when things are settled back down.

i have hundreds of pictures to upload, but our computer freezes when i attempt to put them up, so it looks like i'll have to make a day of it in february, when we get our new one. i'm still doing project: 365, there's just no evidence :)

i'm off to go play with my new mixer & cookie sheets, i think we could all use a sweet treat!

merry christmas thursday things!

merry christmas eve, folks! today we're having a lovely day cuddled up watching christmas movies and talking about what time santa will probably get here. we've decided to put a sign on the front door to make sure that he knows it's okay to come in. for my thursday things today, i'm going to list what i've yet to do, and hopefully will accomplish before tomorrow morning.

-bake santa's cookies and zucchini bread for our family party tonite

-wrap presents and stuff stockings

-give all the kids a bath and get them dressed in their finery

-charge the camera battery

-try not to miss my lovey too much while he's working today, hopefully he'll be home before 10.

-a few other tasks i cannot post for fear the recipient of the gifts would read my blog today... hi mom!

i'll probably think of many more things along the way, but that's a good start.

i hope everyone has a very merry and bright christmas, full of love and peace and contentment. hug your babies, sip your cider, kiss your honey and have a beautiful holiday, i'll be doing the same.

i probably won't be posting until the new year, i'm working on a big blog post: my year in review.

love to you all.

realization, pt. 30929038409234.

dearest friends (and mainly myself):

tonite, i have been in this funky, weird place. and that's not the point at all. the point is, i was just lying in bed, surrounded by my three babies. and i had my little ipod working, and i was listening to neutral milk hotel, the song i posted on my blog earlier today. i looked at my daughter's pink dress and i was completely absorbed in how incredibly PINK her dress is, and then i noticed the contrast of the pink dress against our green blanket. and then i saw her little ear poking out from her hair. my heart was exploding with this feeling of urgency and NOW. and then i looked at my baby boy's face, his sweet dark eyelashes and his little nose and his mouth nursing lazily, sleepily. and i turned and looked at my big girl's sweet face, trying so hard to fight sleep. because she loves THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT so much. and i let go of all of my petty problems with today, and breathed. and i realized that THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT is all i have to cling to. and it is so urgent that i'm right here, right now. not preoccupied with happened earlier, with what minuscule thing didn't go my way. or what might happen tomorrow, or the next day. all i've got is the chance to choose to embrace this moment, and to respond to every instance with an open heart and love. always love. and i realize the kindest thing i could ever do is simply pay attention. stop my brain and my anxiety and my incessant self-absorbed monotonous thinking and notice. be a witness to what is here, now. and i have this realization frequently, but i've never experienced this realization so deeply as i have tonite. so if you'll excuse me, i've got a lovey to go apologize to, and dishes to neglect, and songs to sing along with. there is a lot of loving i've got to do, so i'm going to get to it. and i wish so much peace and love and grace and happiness to you, right here and right now.

brb

our phone and internet services were down the last few days, and i have to admit that it was a very nice break. i'm not quite sure what was wrong, but the nice at&t guy fixed it right up for us this morning.

on our "break" we had birthday parties for dora & diego, played with playdough for hours and had a successful halloween of carving pumpkins, trick or treating and watching spooky movies. (okay, i didn't like the spooky movie at all, and laid in bed most of last nite listening for ghosts.)

look out for pictures of the cutest bumblebee, butterfly and teddy bear ever in a bit :) and perhaps a few links & things for an abbreviated "thursday things".

ramblings.

theodore will be five months old on the 30th. i keep saying he's four months, but i know it's inching towards five and it's making feel so... nostalgic. how can i miss a phase we were in just days ago? but i do.i miss his scrawny little legs, and his funny "craugh" face: is he crying or laughing? (definitely more "cry" in this shot!)

how did he go from that to this in just... days? (yes, that is a gourd. emma that is was an appropriate prop.)

tonite emma wanted me to rock her to sleep. and of course i jumped at the chance. she doesn't want to cuddle as much any more, being as independent and precocious as she is. she will be five on her next birthday. FIVE. that is monumental. she'll be a full fledged kid, with no hint of baby left. there really are no hints of baby or toddler anymore, but i can't even lie to myself when she hits that milestone.

and violette, my sweet and shy little fairy. my friend vanessa captured violette's personality so well the other day: she is almost always near me and she takes quite a while to warm up. yet, i see these glimpses of her courage gathering, and her daring to venture. irony is triumphant, though. when we're home, she is most likely to be playing in her room, with her dollhouse or legos, entertaining herself for hours. only needing me to "make a sandwich, mama, it's peanut butter-chili* time" and "help! wipe my butt, cos i pooped a big one." *the other day, i was making chili, and she was so concerned as to why i was chopping onions and getting out cans of beans. i told her i was cooking chili, and she went to the fridge and got out the grape jelly and said "mama! chili's right here!"

one of their favorite things to do right now is look at slideshows of my pictures on flickr, the other day a picture of vi came up, from before her surgery. she got very skittish and said she was scared. i asked her if she wanted to me go to the next photo, or if she wanted to talk about it, but she leaned in closer, studying her lip and asked how it got cut. i explained she was born with a cleft lip and she told me that was silly, and she just "cut it while she was playing" and mama milk fixed it. it made my heart explode, but then i was gripped with this anxiety. how will this affect her? i want her to know without a doubt that she is a beautiful, whole person, and that a scar doesn't matter. but will it?oh, i worry.

and i worry about many other things, will theodore feel left out? emma and violette are so close in age, and he trails by nearly 3 years. and emma is so bossy sometimes! i know her intentions, but she can be perceived so harshly by other kids (and parents!) sometimes. she is so much like me, yet so different. she has a confidence i never had to back up the sassiness. i wonder if we've done the right thing, is it fair to them to homeschool? to live this artsy, bohemian lifestyle we've got, where creativity trumps schedules & inspiration matters far more than routine? what about religion & spirituality? they know about jesus, and that mama & daddy believe in god, but they always know we read books on sufis and buddha. i have a hard time telling them that one particular thing is true.

the most important thing, though, is that i'm completely honest in my intentions, words and actions. and who can see my inconsistencies more than my children, who i am around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i am not perfect, and i don't attempt to be. so i can't figure out why am i so incredibly hung up on these unattainable standards? who has set this ideal that mother's are supposed to have a spotless designer home, with little angels sitting at the kitchen table in shiny catalog clothing, happily doing some craft project, while home made cookies are baking in the oven and mommy doesn't have a speck of flour on her apron (or the kitchen floor!)

oh, i don't know. i do know that it's 2 am and mr. teddy will be needing to nurse pretty soon, therefore i'm off to bed.

rainy nites.

a perfect nite for:
coffee, cuddles, granny square afghans, wuthering heights, knitting, the comforting clacking of the typewriter, sleeping babies and peeking out the window watching the raindrops racing each other to the sill.

thursday things and some.

it's been the rainiest fall this year, and rainy days mean, for us, daddy is home. it seems like daddy has been home for the last 2 weeks, which has been 3 parts spectacular adventure and 1 part wreckage of our routine. things like housekeeping and big projects don't sound nearly as much fun as tucking away for an afternoon nap, watching foggy drizzle slide down the window. or a cabin fever inspired jaunt around the block just before supper. or knitting, reading, and talking mornings into afternoons into evenings. however, today, daddy is back at work, and i'm staring at this mess... but it's not horrifying me as it once would have. instead, i'm content with the playing that occurred. and grateful for the opportunity to thank the universe for each member of my family as i put away emma's books and crayons and papers, violette's teddy bears and dolls, theodore's blankets and toys, lovey's books, chewed up bottle caps, and socks.

my thursday things will be a bit different today, i want to remember this feeling of gratitude i'm basking in right now. so here are my thankfuls for today:

-the green-ness of green
-baby's hands & affection
-my sweater, growing row by row
-lovey's browns, lovey's reading face, oh! all of lovey
-violette's independence, rivaling rudolph's
-emma's all-knowing vocabulary (she told my mom the other evening, when mama was having a hard time with the carseats: "well, maybe you made the wrong selection")
-good folk songs
-big laughs
-project inspiration
-our home
-drizzle and the word "drizzle"
-"basin"
-the gift of language
-the overwhelming scent of clove.
-pumpkin cobbler
-reading in bed
-tea, especially chamomile
-paper maiche messes
-hopes of a handmade christmas
-approaching holidays and time with family and friends
-this feeling of being surrounded by love and goodness

poo-poo the naysayers, life is good and beautiful. it all depends on where you're looking. i'm making this promise, right now. i will stop entertaining the ideas there are devils lurking around every corner, hidden mean-ness in uttered words. there is enough darkness out there without my creating new drama. and when i'm full of gratitude and light, there is simply no room for the darkness. (and we all know dark is just an absence of light, an illusion.)

rhythm.

please forgive a lack of posting while we attempt to find a new routine in this new season. i am taking pause, being aware, breathing.

"breathing in, i calm my body. breathing out, i smile."

here's the mail, it never fails!

project 365: 104
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

emma and violette have recently become very interested in mail. they have received a few letters and cards and needed somewhere to keep them. i used the pattern from "handmade home", and whipped these little satchels up. violette chose the blue toile, and emma chose the red stripes, which i found to be appropriate. they have asked nearly hourly since i made them to read their notes with me. i'm so glad they have an appreciation for letters, i've always found handwritten letters and cards to be much more satisfying than an email or phone call. hooray for the usps! (and a quick hello to my favorite postman- rex!)

to remember

tonite: chicken & dumplings + cheesesticks + salad; nursling; talks of nanowrimo; go fish; texas hold 'em with quarters; coffee; cuddles; bubblegum in hair; angelina ballerina and lots of "bal-a-let"; bluebell ice cream cravings; cursive writing and arguing about 'Q'; lovelovelove.

a seemingly boring & simple evening, my favorite kind. i feel warm and fuzzy and full of love.

i had plans...

to write a long and lovely post about the end of summer and standing between the seasons and just how beautiful it all is. however, tonite is not the nite for that. maybe tomorrow.

tonite, i have a sink full of dirty dishes, a to-do list with absolutely nothing checked off, a husband and baby asleep and two little girls so full of piss & vinegar they don't know what to do with themselves.

tonite, i'm feeling crabby, flabby, out of sync, and tired.

tonite, i had planned to sew, create, journal, and cook a fantastic meal of chicken & dumplings with rolls and veggies - we had pancakes.

tonite, i'm resolved to wake up early in the morning, & take care of myself first. because it's not a pleasant feeling when it's 5 pm, and lovey's on his way home from work, and i realize i'm still wearing my pajamas.

tonite, i'm debating whether i should drink the last of the coffee and clean like a madwoman or go ahead and call it a nite.

tonite, i realize that this is the time when i need to be here now, and breathe in and out and let the fullness of the frustration flow through and out of me.

and emma just came running out the kitchen screeching "mommy, i learned a new trick". and i'm off to put into practice breathing and being, as i'm 95% certain i will not be impressed with this "new trick".

family.

a skoche chilly.

it's nice and foggy and dewy this morning, chilly enough for a light sweater, at least near the window. (perhaps i should turn off the A.C.)

hoodie weather is getting closer. (in reality, 2 months away... but i'm easily excited.) hoodie weather has great meaning for me personally. i fell in love with brady the first cool nite in 2002, october 13th. brady and i made our first home together in tulsa the fall of 2003, it was simple and beautiful and cold, we spent many chilly evenings out on our balcony, wrapped up in blankets. i got pregnant with emma in august 2004, and spent all of that hoodie season daydreaming and preparing to become a mother. late last summer, i desperately wanted a baby, the last baby, my chance to do things just right... all the things i needed to do. cloth diaper from birth, breastfeed until he was ready to wean, basically implement the knowledge i acquired after having the girls. (i know this is not logical, and i'm going to be learning when i'm 50, hopefully i won't have the desire to procreate then!) theodore welcome was conceived on september 2, 2008, at the first hint of hoodie weather.


yet, while fall is nostalgic and sentimental, i anticipate many exciting more years of autumn. now, off to find my hoodie of choice for this year. (and hope it's not in the 100's tomorrow.)

videos.

made a youtube channel today: http://www.youtube.com/knittingmamaful

thus saith the lord...

flowers.
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

remember the sabbath day and keep it holy.

enjoying our day of rest:
new flowers and pepper plants; lists; discussions of music and much more; family visitors; sweet tea; leftover chinese food; grocery store; journalling; poems; art box; couch cushion houses; fashion shows with mommy and daddy's clothes; presently tea time.

yesterday.

a very lovely day, yesterday:

rainy day, daddy's home! john denver, tidy up, waffles for breakfast, work on puzzle, finish editing/post novel, visit from mammy, lots of nursing, dancing & spinning in rain, sweet naps, melty crayons, rice & beans, bath & bedtime for babies, discussions, more puzzle, documentary about corn, wind some yarn, bedtime.

flashbacks.

while perusing my old notes on facebook, i found this little gem. only from february, it feels like it's been so much longer.

today is a beautiful day.
i woke up nestled between two beautiful ladies, who seem to migrate to my bed at some point in the middle of the nite. (violette has been waking up between 2 or 3 saying "oh, i'm really really really hungry" and then crawling up the stairs to our bed, where she crashes immediately.) my kitty was cuddled up at the foot of our bed, watching over us all, and my husband was playing footsie games with me under all the covers, pausing only to reach over to hit snooze on the alarm.

emma woke up, and we laid there talking about what we were going to do today, while brady started his day by turning on his "woody guthrie playlist" and telling his mom happy birthday on facebook. emma and i moseyed down the stairs in our jammies and fixed bowls of cereal and giggled at things like squirrels in the backyard and zeke barking at birds.

we watched an episode of "olivia" on nickjr.com, and i helped brady make his lunch and got him out the door, only after a rousing rendition of "the eagle and the hawk" by john denver, brady rushed out the door and emma and i were left talking at the breakfast table. she felt inspired to make a painting this morning, so i lugged out our suitcase of paints and brushes and all the goodies, (all the while, em is saying things like "mama, are you sure you're strong enough to carry that?") and got her set up. she was very excited that i had a leftover canvas and she got to use that instead of paper. after many mixed paints and good messes, we got all cleaned up and were a bit bummed out violette was still sleeping. she is so fun!

so we got dressed, mommy in a pair of brown maternity cargo pants from old navy and a harry potter t-shirt from the thrift store with black and white stripey socks and my worn, torn simple shoes, and emma in her "kitty" tshirt and "christmas pants" and absolutely never ever anything on her feet, we are now cuddling and counting coins from her coin purse while i type this.

and just now, she said "mama, i just love you".

my life is juicy, and sweet and tender. and i don't want to forget a single minute of it.