change of plans.

dear effie,
you can not do it all.
sincerely, effie

my etsy won't be opening in february, after all. in the 17 days of january, i've completed crocheting 1/2 of an orange, 1/2 of a peach and a plum. and i'm okay with that, but when i say "i'm opening a shop in february" and i don't open a shop in february, does that make me a liar? or does it simply mean that i am not a super woman, nor capable of bending space and time to accommodate my whims?

and i'm not saying i won't be opening my shop, it's just on a different timeline than i'd like. it may open in june, or next february... i don't know. but i'm not going to beat myself up over it, that's for sure.

change and worry and letting go.

i have a problem. my problem is that i make elaborate, detailed plans, and fully expect things to go as i plan them. and this rarely works out. and i'm learning that i cannot control things like the weather, and phones getting ruined, and lovey working like a madman.

this week is not going as we planned, not at all, and it's not fun. but i can either be angry and let it ruin things even more, or i can breathe and let it happen. because i'm certainly not changing anything.

so, i'm going with it. i'm letting things happen. and i'm not going to have canker sores and knotted muscles because of snow. or because i'm concerned that someone might be mad at me. or because we're all out of whack with our schedule and the kids are staying up to late and sleeping in too late. there is nothing i can do. i know the snow is out of my hands, i know i've done nothing remotely malicious to upset anyone and if they are upset, it's their own problem. i know that the girls are missing their daddy and trying to stay up to see him. so i'm letting it all go, and it's nice.

i miss my lovey. he is working from 3pm-3am everyday, which means he gets home around 3:45 and sleeps til he has to go to work. and the kids are missing him, violette climbed up on my lap the nite before last and said "i'm just lonely for my daddy". me too, baby.

but this chaos can't last forever. & i'm going to be overjoyed when things are settled back down.

i have hundreds of pictures to upload, but our computer freezes when i attempt to put them up, so it looks like i'll have to make a day of it in february, when we get our new one. i'm still doing project: 365, there's just no evidence :)

i'm off to go play with my new mixer & cookie sheets, i think we could all use a sweet treat!

i've been thinking...

i'm sure most of you could have gleaned by now that i've been on quite a zen, be here now kind of kick for awhile.

and that's good. it's so good. watching, engaging, being here. it's good.

it's good up until i realized that i've become so wrapped up in being here now, i've stopped being here. i've stopped watching and engaging because i'm so incredibly focused on enjoying the present that i'm missing out on the present. i want to remember every little word and gesture, and i have totally missed the boat.

brady reminded me the other nite that we have so many more christmases to christmas, and it's a marathon, a journey. this isn't IT. it doesn't have to be just perfectly perfect right now. and you know what got through to me the most? when he said "we'll probably have 5 or 6 more couches in our lifetime".

how right is that?

and this morning, my friend sara sent out an email. her baby is 25 years old today. and i just smiled, and sighed, and it totally hit home.

one day, my babies are going to be 25. and christmas will still be here, birthdays will still be here.

and i can relax, right now.

realization, pt. 30929038409234.

dearest friends (and mainly myself):

tonite, i have been in this funky, weird place. and that's not the point at all. the point is, i was just lying in bed, surrounded by my three babies. and i had my little ipod working, and i was listening to neutral milk hotel, the song i posted on my blog earlier today. i looked at my daughter's pink dress and i was completely absorbed in how incredibly PINK her dress is, and then i noticed the contrast of the pink dress against our green blanket. and then i saw her little ear poking out from her hair. my heart was exploding with this feeling of urgency and NOW. and then i looked at my baby boy's face, his sweet dark eyelashes and his little nose and his mouth nursing lazily, sleepily. and i turned and looked at my big girl's sweet face, trying so hard to fight sleep. because she loves THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT so much. and i let go of all of my petty problems with today, and breathed. and i realized that THIS DAY and THIS MOMENT is all i have to cling to. and it is so urgent that i'm right here, right now. not preoccupied with happened earlier, with what minuscule thing didn't go my way. or what might happen tomorrow, or the next day. all i've got is the chance to choose to embrace this moment, and to respond to every instance with an open heart and love. always love. and i realize the kindest thing i could ever do is simply pay attention. stop my brain and my anxiety and my incessant self-absorbed monotonous thinking and notice. be a witness to what is here, now. and i have this realization frequently, but i've never experienced this realization so deeply as i have tonite. so if you'll excuse me, i've got a lovey to go apologize to, and dishes to neglect, and songs to sing along with. there is a lot of loving i've got to do, so i'm going to get to it. and i wish so much peace and love and grace and happiness to you, right here and right now.

rainy nites.

a perfect nite for:
coffee, cuddles, granny square afghans, wuthering heights, knitting, the comforting clacking of the typewriter, sleeping babies and peeking out the window watching the raindrops racing each other to the sill.

thursday things and some.

it's been the rainiest fall this year, and rainy days mean, for us, daddy is home. it seems like daddy has been home for the last 2 weeks, which has been 3 parts spectacular adventure and 1 part wreckage of our routine. things like housekeeping and big projects don't sound nearly as much fun as tucking away for an afternoon nap, watching foggy drizzle slide down the window. or a cabin fever inspired jaunt around the block just before supper. or knitting, reading, and talking mornings into afternoons into evenings. however, today, daddy is back at work, and i'm staring at this mess... but it's not horrifying me as it once would have. instead, i'm content with the playing that occurred. and grateful for the opportunity to thank the universe for each member of my family as i put away emma's books and crayons and papers, violette's teddy bears and dolls, theodore's blankets and toys, lovey's books, chewed up bottle caps, and socks.

my thursday things will be a bit different today, i want to remember this feeling of gratitude i'm basking in right now. so here are my thankfuls for today:

-the green-ness of green
-baby's hands & affection
-my sweater, growing row by row
-lovey's browns, lovey's reading face, oh! all of lovey
-violette's independence, rivaling rudolph's
-emma's all-knowing vocabulary (she told my mom the other evening, when mama was having a hard time with the carseats: "well, maybe you made the wrong selection")
-good folk songs
-big laughs
-project inspiration
-our home
-drizzle and the word "drizzle"
-"basin"
-the gift of language
-the overwhelming scent of clove.
-pumpkin cobbler
-reading in bed
-tea, especially chamomile
-paper maiche messes
-hopes of a handmade christmas
-approaching holidays and time with family and friends
-this feeling of being surrounded by love and goodness

poo-poo the naysayers, life is good and beautiful. it all depends on where you're looking. i'm making this promise, right now. i will stop entertaining the ideas there are devils lurking around every corner, hidden mean-ness in uttered words. there is enough darkness out there without my creating new drama. and when i'm full of gratitude and light, there is simply no room for the darkness. (and we all know dark is just an absence of light, an illusion.)

belief & convictions.

(i wrote this last fall, here is the updated version.)

my core beliefs and convictions, at the moment:

-knowing myself, and being honest with myself at every turn. also, not looking to others to fulfill me or complete my life. my family and friends are beautiful enhancements, not mine to clutch & cling to.

-loving my husband and children to the fullest capacity. my first earthly priority is to them and their well-being.

-living my life as a spiritual seeker. i will not get bogged down by theories and theologies. i will love and live as according to christ's words in the new testament, and also all of the other prophets and saints i've encountered along the way, ranging from my children to buddha.

-living a creative and art-filled life, and attempting to bring beauty and love to every space i am in.

-parenting gently and kindly. i respect my children as people, as individuals. they are not property - they do not "belong" to me. i refuse to hit them in any manner, i will not belittle them or talk down to them. i believe that their behavior is less important than they're entire being, and when they act out, i will find the root cause. i am committed to their health and well being, i will do whatever i feel is best for them, even if it causes me temporary discomfort or opposition. (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not vaccinating, homeschooling...)

-living my life as an individual, i believe that we are all made different and have a unique spark of the divine within us. we are of no use when we are all trying to look, act and live life the same way.

-not supporting the beast of mammon. money should mean very little, if anything. some folks are so concerned about currency it's a disease, an epidemic. basic human needs are air, food, water, shelter, warmth (clothing) and love. i do not need to keep up with the joneses to feel like a human. i can live without new clothes and cable television (or television altogether!)

-refusing to consume the garbage spewed by major media and the entertainment industry. i don't need my creativity, peace, truth, and beauty attacked on a regular basis!

-creating peace. i do not support any violence or war. i believe in turning the other cheek and loving one's enemies as christ did. (interesting thing here, if christians are so militantly anti-terrorist, should we not then cut paul's books out of the new testament, as he was a converted terrorist.)

-being 100% honest at all times. lying is the most unpardonable thing to me. i have zero tolerance, sympathy, or time for untruth.

-living simply & mindfully, "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"

-being grateful at all times. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, always.

praise be.

in celebration of goodness & light, in honor of beauty & wonder: i will rise early, meditate and give thanks and praises.

i will search for hidden joys in the mundane: hallelujah! the bacon sizzles! hip hip hurrah! the wind is playing in my hair! holy cow! today is majestic.

i will acknowledge negativity: real or perceived, mine or otherwise, and nod. take note, and move on.

in celebration of peace & calm: i will remember that no one can hurt me without my consent. and i will have patience with myself and others.

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating." - Simone Weil

blogging & narcissism & why.

while washing the dishes today- (i always have the best thoughts and conversations with myself and the divine while washing the dishes) i found myself thinking about blogging, and how it seems like such a tribute to ones self, writing all of these thoughts out for the world, as if anyone really wants to read my personal thoughts? and then i started wondering why do i have this blog? what are my intentions with it? because i certainly don't need something in my life that could add to my self diagnosed delusions of grandeur. and it was going downhill fast, almost to the point where i break out with the figurative flogging...

and then i stopped the self deprecating attitude and the false piety, and thought... i blog because i enjoy it. because it's a way to communicate and share stories and have a 'snapshot' of my day and what i'm feeling at any particular time. and because it's fun. because it's different from my "analog" journal, where i work out my mental kinks and spiritual crises, this is my place to be positive and peaceful.

so, there's that.

admittedly, it's a bit difficult for me, putting stuff OUT THERE.. i'm quite a private gal. and to be honest- it feels a bit immodest, what with all the pictures and 'frivolous' lists and links. (i am such a snobbish prude. seriously, i am!) i don't even know where i'm going with all of this. i think it's bed time.

but i'm curious to see, if you have a blog, why is it that you blog? and if you don't, why not? any reason in particular? the internet fascinates me.

oh, & by the way! you should watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOtEQB-9tvk

seasons.

labor day is the signal for me, of summer fading into fall.
of school supplies, apples, cardigans, falling leaves, the scent of pies baking.
when i think of autumn, i tend to hear hauntingly beautiful melodies played on a piano.
nothing is more promising to me than the feeling of late summer, when the air gets chilly just before bed.
it's as if autumn herself is letting me know, she's almost here, just around the corner.
it's nearly time to bring down the boxes of sweaters, gloves, hats and scarves.
(and it's certainly time to finish up the last of the winter socks and gloves i'm knitting!)
holidays are near: time well spent with loved ones, laughter and food.
pumpkins, late nites, and woolly blankets.
there is nothing quite like the shock of cold tile in the morning,
the reminder: hey! you forgot to put on your socks!
the kettle whistling, the promise of warmth, at least for a few minutes.

however, right now, it's time to relish in the last few hours of summer.
my horoscope for this week was quite appropriate:
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html

"Here's what I did not do this summer," begins the testimony of one of my Gemini readers, Beth Hylton. "Not once did I swing on a tire swing over the river, watching the pink shimmery reflection of myself in a wet suit on a tire swing. I did not take a day off work to sneak out alone to Jones Beach with a book and a beer in a ginger ale bottle. I did not eat outside at a red-checkered-tablecloth-and-too-much-cheese-on-the-pasta Italian restaurant, sucking back carafes of Gallo like Kool-Aid. I did not catch fireflies for the satisfaction of setting them free, and I did not nap in the noontime sun. Where are all the 'I dids'?" I'm happy to inform Beth, as well as any of her fellow Geminis who might have been remiss in doing the kinds of activities she named, that the next three weeks will be a very favorable period to make up for lost time.

tomorrow, we might be picnicking. or running around in our swimsuits. or playing on the slip & slide til dark. but i can assure you, we will be chasing down the last little bits of summer we can find and putting them in our pockets to save for a cold, rainy, wintry day.

i had plans...

to write a long and lovely post about the end of summer and standing between the seasons and just how beautiful it all is. however, tonite is not the nite for that. maybe tomorrow.

tonite, i have a sink full of dirty dishes, a to-do list with absolutely nothing checked off, a husband and baby asleep and two little girls so full of piss & vinegar they don't know what to do with themselves.

tonite, i'm feeling crabby, flabby, out of sync, and tired.

tonite, i had planned to sew, create, journal, and cook a fantastic meal of chicken & dumplings with rolls and veggies - we had pancakes.

tonite, i'm resolved to wake up early in the morning, & take care of myself first. because it's not a pleasant feeling when it's 5 pm, and lovey's on his way home from work, and i realize i'm still wearing my pajamas.

tonite, i'm debating whether i should drink the last of the coffee and clean like a madwoman or go ahead and call it a nite.

tonite, i realize that this is the time when i need to be here now, and breathe in and out and let the fullness of the frustration flow through and out of me.

and emma just came running out the kitchen screeching "mommy, i learned a new trick". and i'm off to put into practice breathing and being, as i'm 95% certain i will not be impressed with this "new trick".

a few thoughts i've had stewing.

setting my intention: every morning, i've been declaring my intentions for the day. not so much a "to-do list", but more of setting the tone. as of late, i've been focused on respecting all life, and treating every breathing thing with the tenderness i would appreciate all breathing things to treat me with. i've noticed a marked difference in my response to things like red sharpie all over the fridge, a skein of yarn cut up, you know, things children do out of curiosity. i've actually been thankful for these opportunities, so i can test out my new found patience. i keep thinking it's a fluke, it's so hard to have faith in oneself.

academia: a few quotes. i think everyone knows where i stand on the subject :)

"but it is inherent in scholastic thinking that something written down has a greater validity than something said or experienced." - idries shah

"if you want to get laid, go to college. if you want an education, go to the library." - frank zappa

wealth and abundance: always a struggle, but it's really been not sitting well with my being the last few days. how on earth can followers of christ have anything other than contentment and joy in the now? i've read and heard so many greedy christians lately, and it confuses me. i truly believe that the wealth and abundance talked about in the bible has absolutely nothing to do with material things and possessions, and everything to do with love and relationships. you cannot serve both god and mammon! i think mewithoutyou says it best:

"if i come without a thing, i've come with all i need."

a skoche chilly.

it's nice and foggy and dewy this morning, chilly enough for a light sweater, at least near the window. (perhaps i should turn off the A.C.)

hoodie weather is getting closer. (in reality, 2 months away... but i'm easily excited.) hoodie weather has great meaning for me personally. i fell in love with brady the first cool nite in 2002, october 13th. brady and i made our first home together in tulsa the fall of 2003, it was simple and beautiful and cold, we spent many chilly evenings out on our balcony, wrapped up in blankets. i got pregnant with emma in august 2004, and spent all of that hoodie season daydreaming and preparing to become a mother. late last summer, i desperately wanted a baby, the last baby, my chance to do things just right... all the things i needed to do. cloth diaper from birth, breastfeed until he was ready to wean, basically implement the knowledge i acquired after having the girls. (i know this is not logical, and i'm going to be learning when i'm 50, hopefully i won't have the desire to procreate then!) theodore welcome was conceived on september 2, 2008, at the first hint of hoodie weather.


yet, while fall is nostalgic and sentimental, i anticipate many exciting more years of autumn. now, off to find my hoodie of choice for this year. (and hope it's not in the 100's tomorrow.)

flashbacks.

while perusing my old notes on facebook, i found this little gem. only from february, it feels like it's been so much longer.

today is a beautiful day.
i woke up nestled between two beautiful ladies, who seem to migrate to my bed at some point in the middle of the nite. (violette has been waking up between 2 or 3 saying "oh, i'm really really really hungry" and then crawling up the stairs to our bed, where she crashes immediately.) my kitty was cuddled up at the foot of our bed, watching over us all, and my husband was playing footsie games with me under all the covers, pausing only to reach over to hit snooze on the alarm.

emma woke up, and we laid there talking about what we were going to do today, while brady started his day by turning on his "woody guthrie playlist" and telling his mom happy birthday on facebook. emma and i moseyed down the stairs in our jammies and fixed bowls of cereal and giggled at things like squirrels in the backyard and zeke barking at birds.

we watched an episode of "olivia" on nickjr.com, and i helped brady make his lunch and got him out the door, only after a rousing rendition of "the eagle and the hawk" by john denver, brady rushed out the door and emma and i were left talking at the breakfast table. she felt inspired to make a painting this morning, so i lugged out our suitcase of paints and brushes and all the goodies, (all the while, em is saying things like "mama, are you sure you're strong enough to carry that?") and got her set up. she was very excited that i had a leftover canvas and she got to use that instead of paper. after many mixed paints and good messes, we got all cleaned up and were a bit bummed out violette was still sleeping. she is so fun!

so we got dressed, mommy in a pair of brown maternity cargo pants from old navy and a harry potter t-shirt from the thrift store with black and white stripey socks and my worn, torn simple shoes, and emma in her "kitty" tshirt and "christmas pants" and absolutely never ever anything on her feet, we are now cuddling and counting coins from her coin purse while i type this.

and just now, she said "mama, i just love you".

my life is juicy, and sweet and tender. and i don't want to forget a single minute of it.

lack of sleep and the weekend.

in the spirit of still adjusting to a new person in our home, we're trying to figure out a workable bedtime routine. last nite was a total flop, and i ended up having my "alone mama time" with a curious, chattering 4 year old. i was working on my puzzle, and after about an hour of her incessant talking, i said "emma, i'm trying to relax." and she replied with "are you trying to relax from your angryness?" then we all burst out laughing and great fun was had.

saturday nite i was asking her why she hated going to bed so much and she said "because i have no sleep enjoyness!". there's that. (and i thorougly enjoy her take on the english language.)

who ever would have thought the 4 year old would be keeping me up, and the 7 week old would sleep through the nite? what the hecksie doodles.

we had a fun weekend, sunday we went on an "adventure". we went to the park, to play with mammy's dogs, and to the pizza parlor! (yes, my kids call mazzio's the pizza parlor.)

while we were at mom's, i picked up the puzzle i'm working on. my sister had told me awhile back that this particular puzzle was missing a piece, but for some reason that didn't bother me. however, brady was pretty flabbergasted by the whole thing. which got me thinking about process vs. product and whether i've actually crossed the threshold into process > product? because i've been aiming for that a long time. to enjoy the journey instead of worrying about the outcome.

here we are :)

good stuff.

this post could not have come at a better time for me. i so need to take it to heart. no more complaining!

my new mantra: can i change this? if the answer is no, just let it go.

gratitude:
-i know it's cliche, but i'm so grateful for my babies, and that they're happy and healthy.
-my vacuum cleaner isn't broken!
-the delicious supper we had (chicken and zucchini fajitas with homemade salsa! and zucchini bread for dessert... yum!)
-the gigantic zucchini and squash lovey brought home
-getting my flickr organized. i felt so accomplished when i was done. (thanks to h4ppy photos, it was much easier than i anticipated.)
-lovey is off work tomorrow!!!! we haven't had a real weekend in ages, so i'm very excited.

creativity.

castle, by emma.

it has been one of my life goals to live a creative life & also pass on a love of imagination and creativity to my children.

lately, i've lost sight of the fact that there is so much beauty to capture and inspiration is everywhere, endless. my mindset has been one of muddling & floundering through the days, feeling a bit overwhelmed and sorry for myself for not having "time" to create.

i've fallen victim to the idea that if i'm not painting, knitting, or making something tangible, i'm not living creatively.

perspective is key here, i can make the same meal of curried cauliflower, rice & chapatis a culinary masterpiece or something i throw together because we have to eat. i can stop & really enjoy the scent of garam masala, appreciate the bright oranges & yellows, smile at the popping mustard seeds... or i can be grouchy, short and in a hurry. completely missing out on the simple beauty.

i can be open, and a witness to the miraculous moments in every day. or i can be so busy folding laundry i miss out on playing peekaboo with the clean towels or using the blankets to build a fort.

i can laugh at the 3000th couch cushion house, or get frustrated because i have to put it back. (taking all of 30 seconds!)

today, i will be here for my creative life, and just maybe i'll find some inspiration in there somewhere.

morning rain.

Last Night the Rain Spoke to Me
Mary Oliver

Last night the rain spoke to me slowly, saying, what joy to come falling out of the brisk cloud, to be happy again in a new way on the earth! That’s what it said as it dropped, smelling of iron, and vanished like a dream of the ocean into the branches and the grass below. Then it was over. The sky cleared. I was standing under a tree. The tree was a tree with happy leaves, and I was myself, and there were stars in the sky that were also themselves at the moment at which moment my right hand was holding my left hand which was holding the tree which was filled with stars and the soft rain – imagine! imagine! the long and wondrous journeys still to be ours.

reminiscing about adventures i've been on , anticipating the journeys yet to be. far too often, neglecting the path i am on today.

while being mindful and engaged: today will not pass untouched.

how to remain actively present? i wish i could figure that part out...