updates!

the children are occupied for the moment, so i've stolen a bit to update the world on the goings on in the crandall clan.

emma asked last friday if we could do school, so i dug out the preschool and kindegarten books i've collected and started in. she loved every minute of it & begged me for homework, she is most definitely my child. violette, while not ready for school, wanted to be a part as well. she colored & drew a beautiful picture of me, which will be featured in a photo scavenger hunt i'm taking part of.

last nite at bedtime, i was coaxing emma to bed and she told me that she didn't want me to offer that to her again. sassafrass galore, nonetheless, very clever.

our sweet dog passed away, and it has opened up the backyard for all sorts of adventures. the girls have thoroughly enjoyed discovering the best hiding spots and having races.

theodore's top two teeth popped through, i fear i have a bunny rabbit for a baby. they are HUGE and adorable. he also says "dada" now. his crawling has reached new heights and you can bet that if he is on the floor, he is headed for either one of his sister's hair to tug on, that or the cat's food.

i am doing very well, the year of adventure has been paused for the moment as we currently don't have a working vehicle... w2s, where are you? i am very excited to get our taxes filed and hoping we get back what we plan on ;) we are hoping to get a new (to us) minivan, a computer and a camera for me. i cannot wait to get a new computer and post all of the pictures i've taken. flickr, i miss you! i've tried over and over to post them on this machine, but linux and flickr are mortal enemies, i fear. it freezes if i am on the site for more than 3 minutes, that could be said of most sites though.

it's now to make lunch and hopefully have a successful quiet time!

(i'm getting very, very excited about valentines day!!)

the song for today:

horizons.

today is going to be a gorgeous day, i just know it.

we've just finished up mama/baby yoga and we're munching on breakfast. my coffee is the perfect temperature and fully delicious. i'm breathing in this lovely air, full of love and giggles and i'm ready for a day of adventure, laundry, crocheting and diapers.

i am thankful for my sweet boy's admiration and his acrobatics while nursing. for the girls and their respective hilarious (and particular!) mannerisms. for my lovey, and even when we're picking at each other and having a rough morning of communication, there is still an undercurrent of devotion & good intentions. i'm grateful for the promises of good things to come & the anticipation of new goodies for our little clan.

i am ready for this sickness to be gone from our household & the fresh air of sunshine to permeate our home with healing.

i am wishing peace, kindness & thoughtfulness to everyone i love & that today would be an grand adventure for all of us.

i am wondering what good things are on your horizon?

gratitude and family.

this weekend we had a wonderful time with brady's family, they came up from amarillo and we had a little christmas party at our house. the girls had been counting down the hours, and they were ecstatic to spend the day with "all their families".

yesterday we received quite a surprising blessing. we got a check from brady's old job, which we weren't expecting until a few years from now. i'm always amazed at how the universe works itself out and relieved that we have a few less worries this holiday season.

the girls have been worried about santa being able to get into the house on christmas, since we don't have a chimney. they've planned to put our cookies and milk on a bench right next to the door and leave the door unlocked so he will know it's okay to come in. i love how their little brains work!

theodore is so very big! sunday morning he pushed himself up to sitting from his hands and knees. he's learned the sign for milk, so his little hands are busy asking to nurse most of the time now.

we are doing so well, and i'm feeling very rich and full of love right now. what a beautiful gift my life is!

beautiful morning.

the weather forecast says rain is likely today. theodore and i are hanging out, he is gumming a rice cracker and coo-ing. he said "boob" twice last nite just before bed, he was fussing for the nursies and very impatient. emma's and violette's first word was the same: mama. theodore's is boob. i find this amusing and quite appropriate.

today is a big day, thanksgiving at my parent's. we will cook, eat, get a tree, purchase new ornaments and decorate. my parents have a tradition of giving each of their kids a tree ornament every year so when the time comes to move on, we have a good start. their first tree was pretty bare and they decided early on that they didn't want that for their kids. i'm so grateful to them for that. they gave me a box full of ornaments in 2004, and it is always so fun to look through them and see what i've chosen through the years. that little stocking that says brady, i made it in 2002. we still have it, though the stickers are curling at the edges and threatening to fall off. my great grandmother made the little snowflake doilies. my grandma painted the wooden jack in the box. i love having things rich in tradition and history. how blessed i am to have them.

(our tree in 2006)

i want so badly to have holiday rituals and traditions with my children, and at the same time teach them gratitude and appreciation for the privilege to celebrate. i want them to understand that it is our family, being together and making memories that is important and certainly not gifts, greed and excess.

there are so many exciting things to look forward to this season: family get togethers and parties, stories to read, songs to sing, gifts to craft. i only hope i won't get overwhelmed and anxious. it can be so easy to get stressed and snappy when all that matters is being with my children and enjoying our time together. and if things become too much, i should remember it's not too hard to say no.

i would like to know what are some of your favorite holiday traditions? what is the one thing you and your family do that you look forward to most? mine most certainly is our "drive around". on what we call christmas eve eve, we get a pizza and drive around the fancy neighborhoods looking at their light displays. the girls ooh and ahh and get so very excited. there is nothing more fun to me than to watch them being so happy. last year emma called the lights "constellations", i can only imagine what she and violette will come up with this season.

if i am posting less in the days to come, please forgive me. it's just that i will be celebrating and being here now.

(on a side note, my 365 is quite behind. i am having a hard time with this new operating system and i cannot use the photo editing program. i hope to have new pictures up tomorrow, but i'm not making any promises!)

ramblings.

theodore will be five months old on the 30th. i keep saying he's four months, but i know it's inching towards five and it's making feel so... nostalgic. how can i miss a phase we were in just days ago? but i do.i miss his scrawny little legs, and his funny "craugh" face: is he crying or laughing? (definitely more "cry" in this shot!)

how did he go from that to this in just... days? (yes, that is a gourd. emma that is was an appropriate prop.)

tonite emma wanted me to rock her to sleep. and of course i jumped at the chance. she doesn't want to cuddle as much any more, being as independent and precocious as she is. she will be five on her next birthday. FIVE. that is monumental. she'll be a full fledged kid, with no hint of baby left. there really are no hints of baby or toddler anymore, but i can't even lie to myself when she hits that milestone.

and violette, my sweet and shy little fairy. my friend vanessa captured violette's personality so well the other day: she is almost always near me and she takes quite a while to warm up. yet, i see these glimpses of her courage gathering, and her daring to venture. irony is triumphant, though. when we're home, she is most likely to be playing in her room, with her dollhouse or legos, entertaining herself for hours. only needing me to "make a sandwich, mama, it's peanut butter-chili* time" and "help! wipe my butt, cos i pooped a big one." *the other day, i was making chili, and she was so concerned as to why i was chopping onions and getting out cans of beans. i told her i was cooking chili, and she went to the fridge and got out the grape jelly and said "mama! chili's right here!"

one of their favorite things to do right now is look at slideshows of my pictures on flickr, the other day a picture of vi came up, from before her surgery. she got very skittish and said she was scared. i asked her if she wanted to me go to the next photo, or if she wanted to talk about it, but she leaned in closer, studying her lip and asked how it got cut. i explained she was born with a cleft lip and she told me that was silly, and she just "cut it while she was playing" and mama milk fixed it. it made my heart explode, but then i was gripped with this anxiety. how will this affect her? i want her to know without a doubt that she is a beautiful, whole person, and that a scar doesn't matter. but will it?oh, i worry.

and i worry about many other things, will theodore feel left out? emma and violette are so close in age, and he trails by nearly 3 years. and emma is so bossy sometimes! i know her intentions, but she can be perceived so harshly by other kids (and parents!) sometimes. she is so much like me, yet so different. she has a confidence i never had to back up the sassiness. i wonder if we've done the right thing, is it fair to them to homeschool? to live this artsy, bohemian lifestyle we've got, where creativity trumps schedules & inspiration matters far more than routine? what about religion & spirituality? they know about jesus, and that mama & daddy believe in god, but they always know we read books on sufis and buddha. i have a hard time telling them that one particular thing is true.

the most important thing, though, is that i'm completely honest in my intentions, words and actions. and who can see my inconsistencies more than my children, who i am around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i am not perfect, and i don't attempt to be. so i can't figure out why am i so incredibly hung up on these unattainable standards? who has set this ideal that mother's are supposed to have a spotless designer home, with little angels sitting at the kitchen table in shiny catalog clothing, happily doing some craft project, while home made cookies are baking in the oven and mommy doesn't have a speck of flour on her apron (or the kitchen floor!)

oh, i don't know. i do know that it's 2 am and mr. teddy will be needing to nurse pretty soon, therefore i'm off to bed.

here's the mail, it never fails!

project 365: 104
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

emma and violette have recently become very interested in mail. they have received a few letters and cards and needed somewhere to keep them. i used the pattern from "handmade home", and whipped these little satchels up. violette chose the blue toile, and emma chose the red stripes, which i found to be appropriate. they have asked nearly hourly since i made them to read their notes with me. i'm so glad they have an appreciation for letters, i've always found handwritten letters and cards to be much more satisfying than an email or phone call. hooray for the usps! (and a quick hello to my favorite postman- rex!)

every new day.

we had a fantastic weekend of card games, getting our house put back together, football games, and cuddles, with a few tantrums thrown in. (emma is in quite a phase!) this is the first morning since theodore's joined us that i've gotten up without a gigantic to-do list looming over my head, and it's nice!

speaking of theodore, we looked at our photos on flickr as a slideshow last nite, and i have already forgotten how teeny he was. we were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over how big the girls have gotten, and then a shot of theodore came up and he already looks so different. but! instead of feeling sad and mopey about how quickly it's going by, i'm going to be a witness to his life story, and not miss out on where we are now.

last nite, emma had dinner, and then an apple, and then something else, and then was whining for another snack. so i said she could have 3 blueberries, to which she replied "i got 6!!!!!!"
i opened my mouth to tell her to put them away RIGHT NOW, and in that moment, i decided to just let it go. the only thing that would come of me getting on to her would be crying and frustration and, really, what does it matter? so i told her it was fine, and it wasn't going to upset me. (i suspect a lot of her outbursts lately have been baiting me for attention.) she went and sat at the table, and brady came and sat by her, and they started counting, and then brady ended up teaching her about addition and subtraction(unschooling at it's finest!) and it was so sweet and tender. but what would they have missed out on had i fussed and made her put the blueberries back? how many beautiful occurrences have i missed, worrying about forcing my will on her.

oh! forgive me, for missing the tapestry and focusing on the thread.

(also, i am married to the most thoughtful, caring, and helpful mister in the world.)

lamby wamby

lamby wamby
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

this is lamby wamby, and she has been in our lives since emma's baby shower in march 2005. she was given to us by one of my aunts, and she is made from the softest material you will ever feel.

as i washed her saturday, i got hit with a wave of nostalgia and sentimentality.

i remembered the fun and craziness of putting together emma's dresser. how we were certain it was much more than pieces that didn't fit and more screws than necessary... but a sign of things to come. terrified we weren't going to be good parents.

i remembered washing, and drying her clothes, daydreaming of what it would be like when there was a tiny body wearing these clothes. i remember ironing on images of jack kerouac and peta's "i'm not a nugget!", hoping my baby would look just a bit cooler than the other babies in frills and lace and so. much. pink.

i remember having a meltdown, a few weeks before emma's birth. calling my mom in tears and her taking me to sonic, telling me of course i'd be a good mother, of course i'd know when i went into labor. i remember her taking me to her house, and lighting incense and reassuring me, it will all be fine.

i remember rearranging emma's "room", time and again from the end of march until she arrived, april 20th. waiting, waiting, waiting...


(look at how white lamby wamby is!)

and i remember her birth, and how she was fine. and we were fine. and she LOVED lamby wamby.

i remember when violette was born, i was terrified, again. this time that emma wouldn't want her little sister, that she wouldn't want to share. but it was fine. and lamby wamby comforted another sweet little one.

and now, theodore has a lamby wamby. he's not nearly as interested in her as his sisters were. but they keep trying, hoping one of the times they shove her in his face and say "lamby wamby loves you, see-da-dore!!!", that this time, it will stick.

seasons.

labor day is the signal for me, of summer fading into fall.
of school supplies, apples, cardigans, falling leaves, the scent of pies baking.
when i think of autumn, i tend to hear hauntingly beautiful melodies played on a piano.
nothing is more promising to me than the feeling of late summer, when the air gets chilly just before bed.
it's as if autumn herself is letting me know, she's almost here, just around the corner.
it's nearly time to bring down the boxes of sweaters, gloves, hats and scarves.
(and it's certainly time to finish up the last of the winter socks and gloves i'm knitting!)
holidays are near: time well spent with loved ones, laughter and food.
pumpkins, late nites, and woolly blankets.
there is nothing quite like the shock of cold tile in the morning,
the reminder: hey! you forgot to put on your socks!
the kettle whistling, the promise of warmth, at least for a few minutes.

however, right now, it's time to relish in the last few hours of summer.
my horoscope for this week was quite appropriate:
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html

"Here's what I did not do this summer," begins the testimony of one of my Gemini readers, Beth Hylton. "Not once did I swing on a tire swing over the river, watching the pink shimmery reflection of myself in a wet suit on a tire swing. I did not take a day off work to sneak out alone to Jones Beach with a book and a beer in a ginger ale bottle. I did not eat outside at a red-checkered-tablecloth-and-too-much-cheese-on-the-pasta Italian restaurant, sucking back carafes of Gallo like Kool-Aid. I did not catch fireflies for the satisfaction of setting them free, and I did not nap in the noontime sun. Where are all the 'I dids'?" I'm happy to inform Beth, as well as any of her fellow Geminis who might have been remiss in doing the kinds of activities she named, that the next three weeks will be a very favorable period to make up for lost time.

tomorrow, we might be picnicking. or running around in our swimsuits. or playing on the slip & slide til dark. but i can assure you, we will be chasing down the last little bits of summer we can find and putting them in our pockets to save for a cold, rainy, wintry day.

i had plans...

to write a long and lovely post about the end of summer and standing between the seasons and just how beautiful it all is. however, tonite is not the nite for that. maybe tomorrow.

tonite, i have a sink full of dirty dishes, a to-do list with absolutely nothing checked off, a husband and baby asleep and two little girls so full of piss & vinegar they don't know what to do with themselves.

tonite, i'm feeling crabby, flabby, out of sync, and tired.

tonite, i had planned to sew, create, journal, and cook a fantastic meal of chicken & dumplings with rolls and veggies - we had pancakes.

tonite, i'm resolved to wake up early in the morning, & take care of myself first. because it's not a pleasant feeling when it's 5 pm, and lovey's on his way home from work, and i realize i'm still wearing my pajamas.

tonite, i'm debating whether i should drink the last of the coffee and clean like a madwoman or go ahead and call it a nite.

tonite, i realize that this is the time when i need to be here now, and breathe in and out and let the fullness of the frustration flow through and out of me.

and emma just came running out the kitchen screeching "mommy, i learned a new trick". and i'm off to put into practice breathing and being, as i'm 95% certain i will not be impressed with this "new trick".

as of late...

i've been feeling very creative and domestic lately, it's quite exciting. my brother hung up a clothesline for me, i've been wanting one for ages. it's a nice little break, going out to hang up and take down the clothes, a little pocket of time to breathe and just be. and it's nice have fresh smelling clothes, and no more button burns! (our dryer is the most HOT dryer ever, which is nice when you're in a hurry, but holy moly metal buttons can get quite burny!)

i've also been sewing a lot: a purse for myself, bedtime bags for the girls, a clothespin bag, a felt block for the baby, and on today's agenda is a camera strap and perhaps pillowcase dresses for the girls. the only downside is burning through my sewing notions quite rapidly!

emma has been writing her letters and numbers very well, lately she's been making up words. today she's changed her name to "ohib" and she's writing it on everything. the other day she got down one of our bird books and drew a bird and copied down the word "bird", so precious.

violette's latest thing is sorting granny squares by color. she will play by herself for hours, making stacks and arranging lovely towers and castles.

theodore is trying very hard to roll over, he gets to his side successfully, but getting that crazy arm out of the way is quite a hassle for him. poor little bunny is having a hard day today, he's very sleepy but refusing to sleep. it doesn't help that his sisters think he needs his music box started as soon as he falls asleep!

well, it's quiet time for now, off to get the girls settled in their room and the sewing machine out :)

what is it?

it's the feeling of laying in bed, surrounded by my sweet little family; it's the first cup of coffee in the a.m.; it's cardigans; it's the edge of autumnal crisp in late august evenings and early august mornings.; it's rain; it's little weedy flowers strewn all over the house; it's pictures colored by preschoolers hung up every where imaginable; it's new bags sewn; it's planning projects; it's spending time with the family i was born into; it's real & composed music; it's the first hug&kiss attack when daddy is home from work; it's suppertime, listing our thankfuls and talking about our days; it's emma saying "clume" for climbed; it's the way violette wants to be tucked in with "flower" every nite; it's theodore's precious, chunky, slobbery smile; it's my husband's devotion and love for me; it's every tree, rock, flower, & blade of grass; it's the sky, the sun, the stars, the moon; it's the ocean, it's the desert; it's you, it's me. it's the divine.

videos.

made a youtube channel today: http://www.youtube.com/knittingmamaful

flashbacks.

while perusing my old notes on facebook, i found this little gem. only from february, it feels like it's been so much longer.

today is a beautiful day.
i woke up nestled between two beautiful ladies, who seem to migrate to my bed at some point in the middle of the nite. (violette has been waking up between 2 or 3 saying "oh, i'm really really really hungry" and then crawling up the stairs to our bed, where she crashes immediately.) my kitty was cuddled up at the foot of our bed, watching over us all, and my husband was playing footsie games with me under all the covers, pausing only to reach over to hit snooze on the alarm.

emma woke up, and we laid there talking about what we were going to do today, while brady started his day by turning on his "woody guthrie playlist" and telling his mom happy birthday on facebook. emma and i moseyed down the stairs in our jammies and fixed bowls of cereal and giggled at things like squirrels in the backyard and zeke barking at birds.

we watched an episode of "olivia" on nickjr.com, and i helped brady make his lunch and got him out the door, only after a rousing rendition of "the eagle and the hawk" by john denver, brady rushed out the door and emma and i were left talking at the breakfast table. she felt inspired to make a painting this morning, so i lugged out our suitcase of paints and brushes and all the goodies, (all the while, em is saying things like "mama, are you sure you're strong enough to carry that?") and got her set up. she was very excited that i had a leftover canvas and she got to use that instead of paper. after many mixed paints and good messes, we got all cleaned up and were a bit bummed out violette was still sleeping. she is so fun!

so we got dressed, mommy in a pair of brown maternity cargo pants from old navy and a harry potter t-shirt from the thrift store with black and white stripey socks and my worn, torn simple shoes, and emma in her "kitty" tshirt and "christmas pants" and absolutely never ever anything on her feet, we are now cuddling and counting coins from her coin purse while i type this.

and just now, she said "mama, i just love you".

my life is juicy, and sweet and tender. and i don't want to forget a single minute of it.

lack of sleep and the weekend.

in the spirit of still adjusting to a new person in our home, we're trying to figure out a workable bedtime routine. last nite was a total flop, and i ended up having my "alone mama time" with a curious, chattering 4 year old. i was working on my puzzle, and after about an hour of her incessant talking, i said "emma, i'm trying to relax." and she replied with "are you trying to relax from your angryness?" then we all burst out laughing and great fun was had.

saturday nite i was asking her why she hated going to bed so much and she said "because i have no sleep enjoyness!". there's that. (and i thorougly enjoy her take on the english language.)

who ever would have thought the 4 year old would be keeping me up, and the 7 week old would sleep through the nite? what the hecksie doodles.

we had a fun weekend, sunday we went on an "adventure". we went to the park, to play with mammy's dogs, and to the pizza parlor! (yes, my kids call mazzio's the pizza parlor.)

while we were at mom's, i picked up the puzzle i'm working on. my sister had told me awhile back that this particular puzzle was missing a piece, but for some reason that didn't bother me. however, brady was pretty flabbergasted by the whole thing. which got me thinking about process vs. product and whether i've actually crossed the threshold into process > product? because i've been aiming for that a long time. to enjoy the journey instead of worrying about the outcome.

here we are :)

creativity.

castle, by emma.

it has been one of my life goals to live a creative life & also pass on a love of imagination and creativity to my children.

lately, i've lost sight of the fact that there is so much beauty to capture and inspiration is everywhere, endless. my mindset has been one of muddling & floundering through the days, feeling a bit overwhelmed and sorry for myself for not having "time" to create.

i've fallen victim to the idea that if i'm not painting, knitting, or making something tangible, i'm not living creatively.

perspective is key here, i can make the same meal of curried cauliflower, rice & chapatis a culinary masterpiece or something i throw together because we have to eat. i can stop & really enjoy the scent of garam masala, appreciate the bright oranges & yellows, smile at the popping mustard seeds... or i can be grouchy, short and in a hurry. completely missing out on the simple beauty.

i can be open, and a witness to the miraculous moments in every day. or i can be so busy folding laundry i miss out on playing peekaboo with the clean towels or using the blankets to build a fort.

i can laugh at the 3000th couch cushion house, or get frustrated because i have to put it back. (taking all of 30 seconds!)

today, i will be here for my creative life, and just maybe i'll find some inspiration in there somewhere.

all you need is love. (& a little bollywood?)

we're having some difficulties with clashing personalities over here. as in, emma and i basically have the same personality. and we clash. thanks to an unexpected visit from grammy, we made amends and she is now napping.

note to self: next time remember to breathe in, and breathe out... she is 4... is she hungry? sleepy? angry? lonely? feeling jealous?

and then i feel so.very.guilty for letting her get to me, and then making snappy comments to her. i am an adult, she is a child. who is expected to keep calm?

how do i remember to stay centered and loving? and when i do slip up, how can i be kind to myself and let it go after it's dealt with?

now i know why ariel gore refers to this as "the mother trip".



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the whole 3's thing is pretty weird... ed mcmahon, farrah, and mj.



but come on, folks die every day. i get it, these folks are special. famous. celebrities. but i'm more concerned with all the people who won't make it til dinner time because they don't have food or clean water. let's do something about that. (and did we all forget that MJ went totally kooks? and ya know, that whole little boy thing?) maybe there is a death cab sentiment for everything: "a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death".
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i love my husband. seriously. i've been thinking a lot about this encouragement thing. and while i've always recognized how hard he works and how much he loves me, i'm just really digging it right now. wanna see something cute? sure you do.