ramblings.

theodore will be five months old on the 30th. i keep saying he's four months, but i know it's inching towards five and it's making feel so... nostalgic. how can i miss a phase we were in just days ago? but i do.i miss his scrawny little legs, and his funny "craugh" face: is he crying or laughing? (definitely more "cry" in this shot!)

how did he go from that to this in just... days? (yes, that is a gourd. emma that is was an appropriate prop.)

tonite emma wanted me to rock her to sleep. and of course i jumped at the chance. she doesn't want to cuddle as much any more, being as independent and precocious as she is. she will be five on her next birthday. FIVE. that is monumental. she'll be a full fledged kid, with no hint of baby left. there really are no hints of baby or toddler anymore, but i can't even lie to myself when she hits that milestone.

and violette, my sweet and shy little fairy. my friend vanessa captured violette's personality so well the other day: she is almost always near me and she takes quite a while to warm up. yet, i see these glimpses of her courage gathering, and her daring to venture. irony is triumphant, though. when we're home, she is most likely to be playing in her room, with her dollhouse or legos, entertaining herself for hours. only needing me to "make a sandwich, mama, it's peanut butter-chili* time" and "help! wipe my butt, cos i pooped a big one." *the other day, i was making chili, and she was so concerned as to why i was chopping onions and getting out cans of beans. i told her i was cooking chili, and she went to the fridge and got out the grape jelly and said "mama! chili's right here!"

one of their favorite things to do right now is look at slideshows of my pictures on flickr, the other day a picture of vi came up, from before her surgery. she got very skittish and said she was scared. i asked her if she wanted to me go to the next photo, or if she wanted to talk about it, but she leaned in closer, studying her lip and asked how it got cut. i explained she was born with a cleft lip and she told me that was silly, and she just "cut it while she was playing" and mama milk fixed it. it made my heart explode, but then i was gripped with this anxiety. how will this affect her? i want her to know without a doubt that she is a beautiful, whole person, and that a scar doesn't matter. but will it?oh, i worry.

and i worry about many other things, will theodore feel left out? emma and violette are so close in age, and he trails by nearly 3 years. and emma is so bossy sometimes! i know her intentions, but she can be perceived so harshly by other kids (and parents!) sometimes. she is so much like me, yet so different. she has a confidence i never had to back up the sassiness. i wonder if we've done the right thing, is it fair to them to homeschool? to live this artsy, bohemian lifestyle we've got, where creativity trumps schedules & inspiration matters far more than routine? what about religion & spirituality? they know about jesus, and that mama & daddy believe in god, but they always know we read books on sufis and buddha. i have a hard time telling them that one particular thing is true.

the most important thing, though, is that i'm completely honest in my intentions, words and actions. and who can see my inconsistencies more than my children, who i am around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i am not perfect, and i don't attempt to be. so i can't figure out why am i so incredibly hung up on these unattainable standards? who has set this ideal that mother's are supposed to have a spotless designer home, with little angels sitting at the kitchen table in shiny catalog clothing, happily doing some craft project, while home made cookies are baking in the oven and mommy doesn't have a speck of flour on her apron (or the kitchen floor!)

oh, i don't know. i do know that it's 2 am and mr. teddy will be needing to nurse pretty soon, therefore i'm off to bed.

belief & convictions.

(i wrote this last fall, here is the updated version.)

my core beliefs and convictions, at the moment:

-knowing myself, and being honest with myself at every turn. also, not looking to others to fulfill me or complete my life. my family and friends are beautiful enhancements, not mine to clutch & cling to.

-loving my husband and children to the fullest capacity. my first earthly priority is to them and their well-being.

-living my life as a spiritual seeker. i will not get bogged down by theories and theologies. i will love and live as according to christ's words in the new testament, and also all of the other prophets and saints i've encountered along the way, ranging from my children to buddha.

-living a creative and art-filled life, and attempting to bring beauty and love to every space i am in.

-parenting gently and kindly. i respect my children as people, as individuals. they are not property - they do not "belong" to me. i refuse to hit them in any manner, i will not belittle them or talk down to them. i believe that their behavior is less important than they're entire being, and when they act out, i will find the root cause. i am committed to their health and well being, i will do whatever i feel is best for them, even if it causes me temporary discomfort or opposition. (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not vaccinating, homeschooling...)

-living my life as an individual, i believe that we are all made different and have a unique spark of the divine within us. we are of no use when we are all trying to look, act and live life the same way.

-not supporting the beast of mammon. money should mean very little, if anything. some folks are so concerned about currency it's a disease, an epidemic. basic human needs are air, food, water, shelter, warmth (clothing) and love. i do not need to keep up with the joneses to feel like a human. i can live without new clothes and cable television (or television altogether!)

-refusing to consume the garbage spewed by major media and the entertainment industry. i don't need my creativity, peace, truth, and beauty attacked on a regular basis!

-creating peace. i do not support any violence or war. i believe in turning the other cheek and loving one's enemies as christ did. (interesting thing here, if christians are so militantly anti-terrorist, should we not then cut paul's books out of the new testament, as he was a converted terrorist.)

-being 100% honest at all times. lying is the most unpardonable thing to me. i have zero tolerance, sympathy, or time for untruth.

-living simply & mindfully, "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"

-being grateful at all times. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, always.

blogging & narcissism & why.

while washing the dishes today- (i always have the best thoughts and conversations with myself and the divine while washing the dishes) i found myself thinking about blogging, and how it seems like such a tribute to ones self, writing all of these thoughts out for the world, as if anyone really wants to read my personal thoughts? and then i started wondering why do i have this blog? what are my intentions with it? because i certainly don't need something in my life that could add to my self diagnosed delusions of grandeur. and it was going downhill fast, almost to the point where i break out with the figurative flogging...

and then i stopped the self deprecating attitude and the false piety, and thought... i blog because i enjoy it. because it's a way to communicate and share stories and have a 'snapshot' of my day and what i'm feeling at any particular time. and because it's fun. because it's different from my "analog" journal, where i work out my mental kinks and spiritual crises, this is my place to be positive and peaceful.

so, there's that.

admittedly, it's a bit difficult for me, putting stuff OUT THERE.. i'm quite a private gal. and to be honest- it feels a bit immodest, what with all the pictures and 'frivolous' lists and links. (i am such a snobbish prude. seriously, i am!) i don't even know where i'm going with all of this. i think it's bed time.

but i'm curious to see, if you have a blog, why is it that you blog? and if you don't, why not? any reason in particular? the internet fascinates me.

oh, & by the way! you should watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOtEQB-9tvk

thursday things.

summer sweater thingy
baby hat!
pretty pictures and people.
a study on physical punishment - don't hit your kids!
in praise of bossy girls - not sure how i feel about this one, but it's interesting nonetheless





i'm getting a bit worn. why is evil and darkness SO cool? why is it bad to have faith and wonder? we went and saw happy potter tuesday nite, and almost every preview shown was about the end of times or some kind of awful tragedy. why? where are the beautiful things? i'm not saying that sadness can't be beautiful, but it shouldn't be all encompassing. i'm going to take note of beauty, goodness and hope today, and maybe even make some of my own.

i like to tell jokes. (or jokes, it might be a a soft j.)

why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 ate 9.

happy 07/08/09 folks!

thinking about how multi-facted happiness is... first off, are humans even designed to be happy? and how often to you have to be happy to have a happy life? like, if i'm happy on tuesday-friday, but a grouch saturday-monday, am i happy or not?

and some folks, like myself, don't really show HAPPINESS! like with the bubbles and sparkles and all. i'm pretty serious and heavy most of the time (read: nearly "wet blanket"), but i'm happy on the inside, so does that count?

and does happiness equal contentment? or can you be happy while still striving to be more, expect more, live more... blah blah blah.

and what about the people that have what i like to call the "chronic unhappies"? these people are fanatical about not being happy. (in my limited experience, though, i've found that most of the people like this are insanely self-absorped and ungrateful for the things they DO have.)

is happiness really just a choice? perspective? can you buy it?

john lennon says happiness is a warm gun, a quick google search tells me happiness is "like a butterfly", "a journey", and "the lord". helen keller says happines is attained "through fidelity to a worthy purpose". epicurus said "tranquility and rationality are the cornerstones of happiness"... does anyone really know? isn't happiness a bit more individualized and specific?

oh, so many questions. what makes you happy?

my problem with "art".

i've always been a wary of* "art" and those who claim to be "artists" of any stripe. and while i've never quite been able to put my finger on just why that is, tonite i received great clarity on the matter.

i've been thinking about this lately and i think it's that most people with a gift, or "skills", as the case may be, seem to enjoy putting down, or simply pointing out the flaws of, those without the same gifts or "skills". i know i'm so guilty of doing this. if i happen across a knitted object where the purl stitch was done backwards and caused the stockinette stitch to be twisted, i giggle and smile a smug smile of knowing. knowing the difference in knit and purl. knowing what stockinette stitch is. knowing that i'm right, and this object is so wrong. the sad thing is, i don't know.

i don't know if this is the first item that this particular person has knitted. and if they saw my smug smile, or heard my careless comments, they could be discouraged and not pick up knitting again. or this person may know full well that their knitting is twisted and they like it that way! there are many things i don't know, but acting this way only shows that i do know critical judgment, cynicism and pride*.

and this is especially important for those of us that claim to follow the ways of Christ. ^{Hebrews 3: 13} says "but encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." yes, i'm taking it out of context, but i think is so important that we encourage each other. and it's hard, i get it. it's way easier to make fun of something than it is to say "hey, that is awesome, you GO for making this!" (especially if someone is still in the learning phase, and their stuff sucks.) i mean, it's cheesy and oh so pollyanna to be nice, but it matters.

and guess what, instead of getting butthurt about my crappy n00b photography and giving up(which i really want to do. i admit, my panties are in a bit of a twist right now) i'm going to keep on snapping. and trying to get better. and i'm going to keep posting my pictures, because i'm proud of myself for doing something.

and hey! guess who else did something. my BFF vanessa. she did something i would never, ever do. because i'm scared of criticism and sharing my heart. but she's not! and we all get to experience something sweet and beautiful because of it. go check out nessa singing a lovely song and be blessed by her pretty voice and her sense of daring. i know i am.

so, let's all go make something beautiful and encourage someone attempting something new. and maybe soon we can all become artists and creators and reflections of the great creator we're supposed to be.

*1. and, conflictingly, drawn towards, but that's for another day.
*2. yes, i'm aware that this whole post was spurred on by critical judgment and cynicism... to quote hank hill: "it's called a double standard, bobby, live with it."

lastly, i apologize for the insane amount of run-on sentences that i seem to be so fond of writing.

creativity.

castle, by emma.

it has been one of my life goals to live a creative life & also pass on a love of imagination and creativity to my children.

lately, i've lost sight of the fact that there is so much beauty to capture and inspiration is everywhere, endless. my mindset has been one of muddling & floundering through the days, feeling a bit overwhelmed and sorry for myself for not having "time" to create.

i've fallen victim to the idea that if i'm not painting, knitting, or making something tangible, i'm not living creatively.

perspective is key here, i can make the same meal of curried cauliflower, rice & chapatis a culinary masterpiece or something i throw together because we have to eat. i can stop & really enjoy the scent of garam masala, appreciate the bright oranges & yellows, smile at the popping mustard seeds... or i can be grouchy, short and in a hurry. completely missing out on the simple beauty.

i can be open, and a witness to the miraculous moments in every day. or i can be so busy folding laundry i miss out on playing peekaboo with the clean towels or using the blankets to build a fort.

i can laugh at the 3000th couch cushion house, or get frustrated because i have to put it back. (taking all of 30 seconds!)

today, i will be here for my creative life, and just maybe i'll find some inspiration in there somewhere.

all you need is love. (& a little bollywood?)

we're having some difficulties with clashing personalities over here. as in, emma and i basically have the same personality. and we clash. thanks to an unexpected visit from grammy, we made amends and she is now napping.

note to self: next time remember to breathe in, and breathe out... she is 4... is she hungry? sleepy? angry? lonely? feeling jealous?

and then i feel so.very.guilty for letting her get to me, and then making snappy comments to her. i am an adult, she is a child. who is expected to keep calm?

how do i remember to stay centered and loving? and when i do slip up, how can i be kind to myself and let it go after it's dealt with?

now i know why ariel gore refers to this as "the mother trip".



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the whole 3's thing is pretty weird... ed mcmahon, farrah, and mj.



but come on, folks die every day. i get it, these folks are special. famous. celebrities. but i'm more concerned with all the people who won't make it til dinner time because they don't have food or clean water. let's do something about that. (and did we all forget that MJ went totally kooks? and ya know, that whole little boy thing?) maybe there is a death cab sentiment for everything: "a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death".
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i love my husband. seriously. i've been thinking a lot about this encouragement thing. and while i've always recognized how hard he works and how much he loves me, i'm just really digging it right now. wanna see something cute? sure you do.

not much to say...

trying to keep everyone fed, clean and slightly happy, it's a big task.
housework? hah. i do a 20 minute run around like a crazy woman stashing things and picking up the actual garbage and whatnot before brady gets home from work. this is not in my schedule written up in my google documents, not at all.
after all day nursing marathons, preschoolers screaming and destroying everything in sight (and otherwise) and attempting to cook and tidy up, i don't have the energy to think, let alone blog. then it's nurse all nite long and "wake up" to do it all again.
never really awake, and never really asleep.
i'll figure this out, i really will. it just takes a bit of tweaking and adjusting.

in other news, i weighed the baby yesterday- he's up to 9 pounds! 2 lbs in 2 1/2 weeks! pretty stoked about that.

well, it's breakfast time. violette wants popsicles.

morning rain.

Last Night the Rain Spoke to Me
Mary Oliver

Last night the rain spoke to me slowly, saying, what joy to come falling out of the brisk cloud, to be happy again in a new way on the earth! That’s what it said as it dropped, smelling of iron, and vanished like a dream of the ocean into the branches and the grass below. Then it was over. The sky cleared. I was standing under a tree. The tree was a tree with happy leaves, and I was myself, and there were stars in the sky that were also themselves at the moment at which moment my right hand was holding my left hand which was holding the tree which was filled with stars and the soft rain – imagine! imagine! the long and wondrous journeys still to be ours.

reminiscing about adventures i've been on , anticipating the journeys yet to be. far too often, neglecting the path i am on today.

while being mindful and engaged: today will not pass untouched.

how to remain actively present? i wish i could figure that part out...

happiness!

instead of complaining, which i so want to do, i will note my happiness for today.

-crocheted afghans on the back of chairs.
-stacks of books, preferably filled with marginalia.
-synchronized nap/quiet times!
-a cup of tea, and starlight mints.
-a tidy house. (most appreciatively, with a little help from my friends.)

oh, we should all move to bhutan, where happiness is a measure of success.

what has made you happy today?

p.s. fixed the comments... turns out they didn't work on the other layout.