ramblings.

theodore will be five months old on the 30th. i keep saying he's four months, but i know it's inching towards five and it's making feel so... nostalgic. how can i miss a phase we were in just days ago? but i do.i miss his scrawny little legs, and his funny "craugh" face: is he crying or laughing? (definitely more "cry" in this shot!)

how did he go from that to this in just... days? (yes, that is a gourd. emma that is was an appropriate prop.)

tonite emma wanted me to rock her to sleep. and of course i jumped at the chance. she doesn't want to cuddle as much any more, being as independent and precocious as she is. she will be five on her next birthday. FIVE. that is monumental. she'll be a full fledged kid, with no hint of baby left. there really are no hints of baby or toddler anymore, but i can't even lie to myself when she hits that milestone.

and violette, my sweet and shy little fairy. my friend vanessa captured violette's personality so well the other day: she is almost always near me and she takes quite a while to warm up. yet, i see these glimpses of her courage gathering, and her daring to venture. irony is triumphant, though. when we're home, she is most likely to be playing in her room, with her dollhouse or legos, entertaining herself for hours. only needing me to "make a sandwich, mama, it's peanut butter-chili* time" and "help! wipe my butt, cos i pooped a big one." *the other day, i was making chili, and she was so concerned as to why i was chopping onions and getting out cans of beans. i told her i was cooking chili, and she went to the fridge and got out the grape jelly and said "mama! chili's right here!"

one of their favorite things to do right now is look at slideshows of my pictures on flickr, the other day a picture of vi came up, from before her surgery. she got very skittish and said she was scared. i asked her if she wanted to me go to the next photo, or if she wanted to talk about it, but she leaned in closer, studying her lip and asked how it got cut. i explained she was born with a cleft lip and she told me that was silly, and she just "cut it while she was playing" and mama milk fixed it. it made my heart explode, but then i was gripped with this anxiety. how will this affect her? i want her to know without a doubt that she is a beautiful, whole person, and that a scar doesn't matter. but will it?oh, i worry.

and i worry about many other things, will theodore feel left out? emma and violette are so close in age, and he trails by nearly 3 years. and emma is so bossy sometimes! i know her intentions, but she can be perceived so harshly by other kids (and parents!) sometimes. she is so much like me, yet so different. she has a confidence i never had to back up the sassiness. i wonder if we've done the right thing, is it fair to them to homeschool? to live this artsy, bohemian lifestyle we've got, where creativity trumps schedules & inspiration matters far more than routine? what about religion & spirituality? they know about jesus, and that mama & daddy believe in god, but they always know we read books on sufis and buddha. i have a hard time telling them that one particular thing is true.

the most important thing, though, is that i'm completely honest in my intentions, words and actions. and who can see my inconsistencies more than my children, who i am around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i am not perfect, and i don't attempt to be. so i can't figure out why am i so incredibly hung up on these unattainable standards? who has set this ideal that mother's are supposed to have a spotless designer home, with little angels sitting at the kitchen table in shiny catalog clothing, happily doing some craft project, while home made cookies are baking in the oven and mommy doesn't have a speck of flour on her apron (or the kitchen floor!)

oh, i don't know. i do know that it's 2 am and mr. teddy will be needing to nurse pretty soon, therefore i'm off to bed.

belief & convictions.

(i wrote this last fall, here is the updated version.)

my core beliefs and convictions, at the moment:

-knowing myself, and being honest with myself at every turn. also, not looking to others to fulfill me or complete my life. my family and friends are beautiful enhancements, not mine to clutch & cling to.

-loving my husband and children to the fullest capacity. my first earthly priority is to them and their well-being.

-living my life as a spiritual seeker. i will not get bogged down by theories and theologies. i will love and live as according to christ's words in the new testament, and also all of the other prophets and saints i've encountered along the way, ranging from my children to buddha.

-living a creative and art-filled life, and attempting to bring beauty and love to every space i am in.

-parenting gently and kindly. i respect my children as people, as individuals. they are not property - they do not "belong" to me. i refuse to hit them in any manner, i will not belittle them or talk down to them. i believe that their behavior is less important than they're entire being, and when they act out, i will find the root cause. i am committed to their health and well being, i will do whatever i feel is best for them, even if it causes me temporary discomfort or opposition. (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not vaccinating, homeschooling...)

-living my life as an individual, i believe that we are all made different and have a unique spark of the divine within us. we are of no use when we are all trying to look, act and live life the same way.

-not supporting the beast of mammon. money should mean very little, if anything. some folks are so concerned about currency it's a disease, an epidemic. basic human needs are air, food, water, shelter, warmth (clothing) and love. i do not need to keep up with the joneses to feel like a human. i can live without new clothes and cable television (or television altogether!)

-refusing to consume the garbage spewed by major media and the entertainment industry. i don't need my creativity, peace, truth, and beauty attacked on a regular basis!

-creating peace. i do not support any violence or war. i believe in turning the other cheek and loving one's enemies as christ did. (interesting thing here, if christians are so militantly anti-terrorist, should we not then cut paul's books out of the new testament, as he was a converted terrorist.)

-being 100% honest at all times. lying is the most unpardonable thing to me. i have zero tolerance, sympathy, or time for untruth.

-living simply & mindfully, "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"

-being grateful at all times. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, always.

praise be.

in celebration of goodness & light, in honor of beauty & wonder: i will rise early, meditate and give thanks and praises.

i will search for hidden joys in the mundane: hallelujah! the bacon sizzles! hip hip hurrah! the wind is playing in my hair! holy cow! today is majestic.

i will acknowledge negativity: real or perceived, mine or otherwise, and nod. take note, and move on.

in celebration of peace & calm: i will remember that no one can hurt me without my consent. and i will have patience with myself and others.

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating." - Simone Weil

rhythm.

please forgive a lack of posting while we attempt to find a new routine in this new season. i am taking pause, being aware, breathing.

"breathing in, i calm my body. breathing out, i smile."

every new day.

we had a fantastic weekend of card games, getting our house put back together, football games, and cuddles, with a few tantrums thrown in. (emma is in quite a phase!) this is the first morning since theodore's joined us that i've gotten up without a gigantic to-do list looming over my head, and it's nice!

speaking of theodore, we looked at our photos on flickr as a slideshow last nite, and i have already forgotten how teeny he was. we were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over how big the girls have gotten, and then a shot of theodore came up and he already looks so different. but! instead of feeling sad and mopey about how quickly it's going by, i'm going to be a witness to his life story, and not miss out on where we are now.

last nite, emma had dinner, and then an apple, and then something else, and then was whining for another snack. so i said she could have 3 blueberries, to which she replied "i got 6!!!!!!"
i opened my mouth to tell her to put them away RIGHT NOW, and in that moment, i decided to just let it go. the only thing that would come of me getting on to her would be crying and frustration and, really, what does it matter? so i told her it was fine, and it wasn't going to upset me. (i suspect a lot of her outbursts lately have been baiting me for attention.) she went and sat at the table, and brady came and sat by her, and they started counting, and then brady ended up teaching her about addition and subtraction(unschooling at it's finest!) and it was so sweet and tender. but what would they have missed out on had i fussed and made her put the blueberries back? how many beautiful occurrences have i missed, worrying about forcing my will on her.

oh! forgive me, for missing the tapestry and focusing on the thread.

(also, i am married to the most thoughtful, caring, and helpful mister in the world.)

blogging & narcissism & why.

while washing the dishes today- (i always have the best thoughts and conversations with myself and the divine while washing the dishes) i found myself thinking about blogging, and how it seems like such a tribute to ones self, writing all of these thoughts out for the world, as if anyone really wants to read my personal thoughts? and then i started wondering why do i have this blog? what are my intentions with it? because i certainly don't need something in my life that could add to my self diagnosed delusions of grandeur. and it was going downhill fast, almost to the point where i break out with the figurative flogging...

and then i stopped the self deprecating attitude and the false piety, and thought... i blog because i enjoy it. because it's a way to communicate and share stories and have a 'snapshot' of my day and what i'm feeling at any particular time. and because it's fun. because it's different from my "analog" journal, where i work out my mental kinks and spiritual crises, this is my place to be positive and peaceful.

so, there's that.

admittedly, it's a bit difficult for me, putting stuff OUT THERE.. i'm quite a private gal. and to be honest- it feels a bit immodest, what with all the pictures and 'frivolous' lists and links. (i am such a snobbish prude. seriously, i am!) i don't even know where i'm going with all of this. i think it's bed time.

but i'm curious to see, if you have a blog, why is it that you blog? and if you don't, why not? any reason in particular? the internet fascinates me.

oh, & by the way! you should watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOtEQB-9tvk

lamby wamby

lamby wamby
Originally uploaded by mama-effie

this is lamby wamby, and she has been in our lives since emma's baby shower in march 2005. she was given to us by one of my aunts, and she is made from the softest material you will ever feel.

as i washed her saturday, i got hit with a wave of nostalgia and sentimentality.

i remembered the fun and craziness of putting together emma's dresser. how we were certain it was much more than pieces that didn't fit and more screws than necessary... but a sign of things to come. terrified we weren't going to be good parents.

i remembered washing, and drying her clothes, daydreaming of what it would be like when there was a tiny body wearing these clothes. i remember ironing on images of jack kerouac and peta's "i'm not a nugget!", hoping my baby would look just a bit cooler than the other babies in frills and lace and so. much. pink.

i remember having a meltdown, a few weeks before emma's birth. calling my mom in tears and her taking me to sonic, telling me of course i'd be a good mother, of course i'd know when i went into labor. i remember her taking me to her house, and lighting incense and reassuring me, it will all be fine.

i remember rearranging emma's "room", time and again from the end of march until she arrived, april 20th. waiting, waiting, waiting...


(look at how white lamby wamby is!)

and i remember her birth, and how she was fine. and we were fine. and she LOVED lamby wamby.

i remember when violette was born, i was terrified, again. this time that emma wouldn't want her little sister, that she wouldn't want to share. but it was fine. and lamby wamby comforted another sweet little one.

and now, theodore has a lamby wamby. he's not nearly as interested in her as his sisters were. but they keep trying, hoping one of the times they shove her in his face and say "lamby wamby loves you, see-da-dore!!!", that this time, it will stick.

seasons.

labor day is the signal for me, of summer fading into fall.
of school supplies, apples, cardigans, falling leaves, the scent of pies baking.
when i think of autumn, i tend to hear hauntingly beautiful melodies played on a piano.
nothing is more promising to me than the feeling of late summer, when the air gets chilly just before bed.
it's as if autumn herself is letting me know, she's almost here, just around the corner.
it's nearly time to bring down the boxes of sweaters, gloves, hats and scarves.
(and it's certainly time to finish up the last of the winter socks and gloves i'm knitting!)
holidays are near: time well spent with loved ones, laughter and food.
pumpkins, late nites, and woolly blankets.
there is nothing quite like the shock of cold tile in the morning,
the reminder: hey! you forgot to put on your socks!
the kettle whistling, the promise of warmth, at least for a few minutes.

however, right now, it's time to relish in the last few hours of summer.
my horoscope for this week was quite appropriate:
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html

"Here's what I did not do this summer," begins the testimony of one of my Gemini readers, Beth Hylton. "Not once did I swing on a tire swing over the river, watching the pink shimmery reflection of myself in a wet suit on a tire swing. I did not take a day off work to sneak out alone to Jones Beach with a book and a beer in a ginger ale bottle. I did not eat outside at a red-checkered-tablecloth-and-too-much-cheese-on-the-pasta Italian restaurant, sucking back carafes of Gallo like Kool-Aid. I did not catch fireflies for the satisfaction of setting them free, and I did not nap in the noontime sun. Where are all the 'I dids'?" I'm happy to inform Beth, as well as any of her fellow Geminis who might have been remiss in doing the kinds of activities she named, that the next three weeks will be a very favorable period to make up for lost time.

tomorrow, we might be picnicking. or running around in our swimsuits. or playing on the slip & slide til dark. but i can assure you, we will be chasing down the last little bits of summer we can find and putting them in our pockets to save for a cold, rainy, wintry day.

i had plans...

to write a long and lovely post about the end of summer and standing between the seasons and just how beautiful it all is. however, tonite is not the nite for that. maybe tomorrow.

tonite, i have a sink full of dirty dishes, a to-do list with absolutely nothing checked off, a husband and baby asleep and two little girls so full of piss & vinegar they don't know what to do with themselves.

tonite, i'm feeling crabby, flabby, out of sync, and tired.

tonite, i had planned to sew, create, journal, and cook a fantastic meal of chicken & dumplings with rolls and veggies - we had pancakes.

tonite, i'm resolved to wake up early in the morning, & take care of myself first. because it's not a pleasant feeling when it's 5 pm, and lovey's on his way home from work, and i realize i'm still wearing my pajamas.

tonite, i'm debating whether i should drink the last of the coffee and clean like a madwoman or go ahead and call it a nite.

tonite, i realize that this is the time when i need to be here now, and breathe in and out and let the fullness of the frustration flow through and out of me.

and emma just came running out the kitchen screeching "mommy, i learned a new trick". and i'm off to put into practice breathing and being, as i'm 95% certain i will not be impressed with this "new trick".

a few thoughts i've had stewing.

setting my intention: every morning, i've been declaring my intentions for the day. not so much a "to-do list", but more of setting the tone. as of late, i've been focused on respecting all life, and treating every breathing thing with the tenderness i would appreciate all breathing things to treat me with. i've noticed a marked difference in my response to things like red sharpie all over the fridge, a skein of yarn cut up, you know, things children do out of curiosity. i've actually been thankful for these opportunities, so i can test out my new found patience. i keep thinking it's a fluke, it's so hard to have faith in oneself.

academia: a few quotes. i think everyone knows where i stand on the subject :)

"but it is inherent in scholastic thinking that something written down has a greater validity than something said or experienced." - idries shah

"if you want to get laid, go to college. if you want an education, go to the library." - frank zappa

wealth and abundance: always a struggle, but it's really been not sitting well with my being the last few days. how on earth can followers of christ have anything other than contentment and joy in the now? i've read and heard so many greedy christians lately, and it confuses me. i truly believe that the wealth and abundance talked about in the bible has absolutely nothing to do with material things and possessions, and everything to do with love and relationships. you cannot serve both god and mammon! i think mewithoutyou says it best:

"if i come without a thing, i've come with all i need."

by its right name.

my great grandmother, effie marie, and me when i was still lauren marie.
(she crocheted that blanket for me, because i am her namesake.)

this snazzy, jazzy lady was a treat. when i was born, i was given her middle name. she didn't go by effie, her chosen name was petie, after a farm helper she followed around and adored as a child. (or so i believe the story goes.)

when i ask to be called effie, it's more than a passing fancy. and i feel rude and ungrateful for not personifying the name my parents chose for me, but lauren just does not fit. i've felt for my whole life that it meant big shoes to fill. "lauren" should be sophisticated, eloquent, graceful, put together. and while i am many things, i am not that.

effie means "melodious talk", which if find more fitting. effie is relaxed, fun, more likely to trip over a flat surface... much like me.

where lauren would be a lovely fur coat, effie is your favorite worn out cardigan. and i'd quite rather be comfy than pretty.

and i feel comfy in "effie". i feel like myself, with no expectations, no standards to meet, just plain ol' effie. and i like it.

"For a moment she rediscovered the purpose of her life. She was here on earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment, and to call each thing by its right name."

(p.s. happy fiftieth post!)

lack of sleep and the weekend.

in the spirit of still adjusting to a new person in our home, we're trying to figure out a workable bedtime routine. last nite was a total flop, and i ended up having my "alone mama time" with a curious, chattering 4 year old. i was working on my puzzle, and after about an hour of her incessant talking, i said "emma, i'm trying to relax." and she replied with "are you trying to relax from your angryness?" then we all burst out laughing and great fun was had.

saturday nite i was asking her why she hated going to bed so much and she said "because i have no sleep enjoyness!". there's that. (and i thorougly enjoy her take on the english language.)

who ever would have thought the 4 year old would be keeping me up, and the 7 week old would sleep through the nite? what the hecksie doodles.

we had a fun weekend, sunday we went on an "adventure". we went to the park, to play with mammy's dogs, and to the pizza parlor! (yes, my kids call mazzio's the pizza parlor.)

while we were at mom's, i picked up the puzzle i'm working on. my sister had told me awhile back that this particular puzzle was missing a piece, but for some reason that didn't bother me. however, brady was pretty flabbergasted by the whole thing. which got me thinking about process vs. product and whether i've actually crossed the threshold into process > product? because i've been aiming for that a long time. to enjoy the journey instead of worrying about the outcome.

here we are :)

thursday things.

summer sweater thingy
baby hat!
pretty pictures and people.
a study on physical punishment - don't hit your kids!
in praise of bossy girls - not sure how i feel about this one, but it's interesting nonetheless





i'm getting a bit worn. why is evil and darkness SO cool? why is it bad to have faith and wonder? we went and saw happy potter tuesday nite, and almost every preview shown was about the end of times or some kind of awful tragedy. why? where are the beautiful things? i'm not saying that sadness can't be beautiful, but it shouldn't be all encompassing. i'm going to take note of beauty, goodness and hope today, and maybe even make some of my own.

my goal in life:

"A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred." - Amy Carmichael

a friend posted this on facebook, and it really resonated within me. this is my latest mantra, my every intention.

i like to tell jokes. (or jokes, it might be a a soft j.)

why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 ate 9.

happy 07/08/09 folks!

thinking about how multi-facted happiness is... first off, are humans even designed to be happy? and how often to you have to be happy to have a happy life? like, if i'm happy on tuesday-friday, but a grouch saturday-monday, am i happy or not?

and some folks, like myself, don't really show HAPPINESS! like with the bubbles and sparkles and all. i'm pretty serious and heavy most of the time (read: nearly "wet blanket"), but i'm happy on the inside, so does that count?

and does happiness equal contentment? or can you be happy while still striving to be more, expect more, live more... blah blah blah.

and what about the people that have what i like to call the "chronic unhappies"? these people are fanatical about not being happy. (in my limited experience, though, i've found that most of the people like this are insanely self-absorped and ungrateful for the things they DO have.)

is happiness really just a choice? perspective? can you buy it?

john lennon says happiness is a warm gun, a quick google search tells me happiness is "like a butterfly", "a journey", and "the lord". helen keller says happines is attained "through fidelity to a worthy purpose". epicurus said "tranquility and rationality are the cornerstones of happiness"... does anyone really know? isn't happiness a bit more individualized and specific?

oh, so many questions. what makes you happy?

my problem with "art".

i've always been a wary of* "art" and those who claim to be "artists" of any stripe. and while i've never quite been able to put my finger on just why that is, tonite i received great clarity on the matter.

i've been thinking about this lately and i think it's that most people with a gift, or "skills", as the case may be, seem to enjoy putting down, or simply pointing out the flaws of, those without the same gifts or "skills". i know i'm so guilty of doing this. if i happen across a knitted object where the purl stitch was done backwards and caused the stockinette stitch to be twisted, i giggle and smile a smug smile of knowing. knowing the difference in knit and purl. knowing what stockinette stitch is. knowing that i'm right, and this object is so wrong. the sad thing is, i don't know.

i don't know if this is the first item that this particular person has knitted. and if they saw my smug smile, or heard my careless comments, they could be discouraged and not pick up knitting again. or this person may know full well that their knitting is twisted and they like it that way! there are many things i don't know, but acting this way only shows that i do know critical judgment, cynicism and pride*.

and this is especially important for those of us that claim to follow the ways of Christ. ^{Hebrews 3: 13} says "but encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." yes, i'm taking it out of context, but i think is so important that we encourage each other. and it's hard, i get it. it's way easier to make fun of something than it is to say "hey, that is awesome, you GO for making this!" (especially if someone is still in the learning phase, and their stuff sucks.) i mean, it's cheesy and oh so pollyanna to be nice, but it matters.

and guess what, instead of getting butthurt about my crappy n00b photography and giving up(which i really want to do. i admit, my panties are in a bit of a twist right now) i'm going to keep on snapping. and trying to get better. and i'm going to keep posting my pictures, because i'm proud of myself for doing something.

and hey! guess who else did something. my BFF vanessa. she did something i would never, ever do. because i'm scared of criticism and sharing my heart. but she's not! and we all get to experience something sweet and beautiful because of it. go check out nessa singing a lovely song and be blessed by her pretty voice and her sense of daring. i know i am.

so, let's all go make something beautiful and encourage someone attempting something new. and maybe soon we can all become artists and creators and reflections of the great creator we're supposed to be.

*1. and, conflictingly, drawn towards, but that's for another day.
*2. yes, i'm aware that this whole post was spurred on by critical judgment and cynicism... to quote hank hill: "it's called a double standard, bobby, live with it."

lastly, i apologize for the insane amount of run-on sentences that i seem to be so fond of writing.

good stuff.

this post could not have come at a better time for me. i so need to take it to heart. no more complaining!

my new mantra: can i change this? if the answer is no, just let it go.

gratitude:
-i know it's cliche, but i'm so grateful for my babies, and that they're happy and healthy.
-my vacuum cleaner isn't broken!
-the delicious supper we had (chicken and zucchini fajitas with homemade salsa! and zucchini bread for dessert... yum!)
-the gigantic zucchini and squash lovey brought home
-getting my flickr organized. i felt so accomplished when i was done. (thanks to h4ppy photos, it was much easier than i anticipated.)
-lovey is off work tomorrow!!!! we haven't had a real weekend in ages, so i'm very excited.

today.

instead of folding laundry, which i so did not do last nite, i'm uploading and organizing tons of pictures on flickr. i can do that one-handed while nursing, laundry is another story! and since theodore seems to be in a serious growth spurt, i'm looking for a lot of one-handed tasks.

the fourth of july is a "holiday" i don't really enjoy. and not because i'm all anarchy or whatever, but because homemade ice cream and fireworks don't entertain me at all. i mean, i could spout reasons for why we shouldn't celebrate christmas, easter, thanksgiving... but i like those holidays. or more accurately, i like how america celebrates the holidays and traditions they've "borrowed". i'm just saying, don't expect a patriotic HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY post on saturday.

i love cloth diapering. it's immensely satisfying, and there is nothing like unloading a bunch of warm fluff straight from the dryer. surprisingly, diapers are the only laundry i like :)

since it's out there now, we've been having church at our house recently. it's just been us and my family, but our doors are always open to anyone who finds their way here. we don't have bulletins or 3 points and a poem, but it's certainly not just hanging out. we usually have supper together around 6:30-7:00, and then talk about what's going on. topics have ranged from what's going on with everyone's lives to how, specifically, do you hear from god to sitting around the computer playing games on sporcle. okay, that last one only happened once, and it was before dinner :)

nap time for baby, commence super fast cleaning marathon!

creativity.

castle, by emma.

it has been one of my life goals to live a creative life & also pass on a love of imagination and creativity to my children.

lately, i've lost sight of the fact that there is so much beauty to capture and inspiration is everywhere, endless. my mindset has been one of muddling & floundering through the days, feeling a bit overwhelmed and sorry for myself for not having "time" to create.

i've fallen victim to the idea that if i'm not painting, knitting, or making something tangible, i'm not living creatively.

perspective is key here, i can make the same meal of curried cauliflower, rice & chapatis a culinary masterpiece or something i throw together because we have to eat. i can stop & really enjoy the scent of garam masala, appreciate the bright oranges & yellows, smile at the popping mustard seeds... or i can be grouchy, short and in a hurry. completely missing out on the simple beauty.

i can be open, and a witness to the miraculous moments in every day. or i can be so busy folding laundry i miss out on playing peekaboo with the clean towels or using the blankets to build a fort.

i can laugh at the 3000th couch cushion house, or get frustrated because i have to put it back. (taking all of 30 seconds!)

today, i will be here for my creative life, and just maybe i'll find some inspiration in there somewhere.

all you need is love. (& a little bollywood?)

we're having some difficulties with clashing personalities over here. as in, emma and i basically have the same personality. and we clash. thanks to an unexpected visit from grammy, we made amends and she is now napping.

note to self: next time remember to breathe in, and breathe out... she is 4... is she hungry? sleepy? angry? lonely? feeling jealous?

and then i feel so.very.guilty for letting her get to me, and then making snappy comments to her. i am an adult, she is a child. who is expected to keep calm?

how do i remember to stay centered and loving? and when i do slip up, how can i be kind to myself and let it go after it's dealt with?

now i know why ariel gore refers to this as "the mother trip".



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the whole 3's thing is pretty weird... ed mcmahon, farrah, and mj.



but come on, folks die every day. i get it, these folks are special. famous. celebrities. but i'm more concerned with all the people who won't make it til dinner time because they don't have food or clean water. let's do something about that. (and did we all forget that MJ went totally kooks? and ya know, that whole little boy thing?) maybe there is a death cab sentiment for everything: "a bastard in life, thus a bastard in death".
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i love my husband. seriously. i've been thinking a lot about this encouragement thing. and while i've always recognized how hard he works and how much he loves me, i'm just really digging it right now. wanna see something cute? sure you do.